How Do You Know If a Relationship Will Last? The Role of Conflict and Repair
How Do You Know If a Relationship Will Last? Look at How You Handle Disagreements
Welcome to another Truth Bomb from The Truth About Healing Podcast: Love Isn't Enough..
How do you know if a relationship will last?
It's a question many people ask when they're dating, considering marriage, or wondering whether their current relationship has a healthy future.
You might look at how much you have in common, how strongly you feel about each other, or whether you share similar goals.
But there's another question worth asking:
How do you and your partner handle conflict?
In this Truth Bomb from The Truth About Healing Podcast, Dana Carretta-Stein explores why the way two people navigate disagreements can tell us something important about the health of their relationship.
And why having conflict doesn't automatically mean something is wrong.
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Memorable Quote
"Conflict is a rupture, and it is the repair that determines how strong that relationship can become or not. - Dana Carretta-Stein, LMHC"
Is Conflict a Bad Sign in a Relationship?
Not necessarily.
Conflict is inevitable in relationships. Two people can genuinely care about each other and still have different needs, perspectives, and communication styles.
Disagreements happen over finances, parenting, responsibilities, boundaries, and everyday decisions.
The presence of conflict doesn't automatically mean a relationship is unhealthy.
What matters is how both people respond.
In the episode, Dana explains that a relationship without conflict hasn't necessarily demonstrated its ability to navigate difficult moments.
Avoiding every disagreement may keep things peaceful temporarily, but it can also leave important concerns unspoken.
A healthy relationship isn't measured by how rarely you disagree. It's also measured by how you work through disagreements.
What Is Rupture and Repair in a Relationship?
A rupture happens when emotional connection is disrupted.
It might involve an argument, a misunderstanding, a hurtful comment, or a moment when someone feels dismissed.
Repair is what happens afterward.
It's the process of acknowledging what went wrong, taking responsibility where appropriate, and working toward reconnection.
Healthy repair might sound like:
"I understand why that upset you."
"I got defensive earlier. Can we try that conversation again?"
"I want to understand what you were feeling."
"What can we do differently next time?"
Repair doesn't mean pretending the disagreement never happened.
It means addressing it rather than allowing resentment or disconnection to grow.
And an apology alone isn't always enough. Meaningful repair also involves changes in behavior.
Can a Relationship Work If You Have Different Conflict Styles?
Yes.
Dana explains that having a difficult communication style doesn't automatically mean a relationship won't work.
It can, however, reveal areas that need attention for emotional intimacy to develop.
For example, one partner might want to resolve disagreements immediately, while the other needs time to process.
One person might become defensive, while the other withdraws.
These differences can create tension, especially when neither person understands what's happening beneath the reaction.
Sometimes, our responses to conflict are influenced by earlier experiences.
Someone who grew up around frequent arguments may become anxious when voices rise.
Someone who learned that expressing emotions led to rejection may avoid difficult conversations.
Understanding these patterns can help couples respond with more awareness instead of repeating the same arguments.
The question isn't whether your communication styles are identical.
It's whether you're both willing to understand your patterns and work on them.
How Can You Tell If Your Relationship Handles Conflict Well?
You don't have to wait for a major argument to learn about someone's conflict style.
Start by asking each other a few questions:
What happens when you're upset? Do you shut down, get defensive, or want to talk immediately?
What helps you feel heard? Do you need reassurance, space, or time to explain your perspective?
How did your family handle disagreements? Were difficult conversations encouraged or avoided?
What does a meaningful apology look like to you? Is acknowledgment enough, or do you need specific changes?
How do we reconnect after an argument? What helps both of you feel ready to move forward?
These conversations can reveal expectations you may not have realized were different.
They can also help you identify what needs attention before those differences become recurring problems.
When Should You Consider Couples Therapy?
Couples therapy can be helpful when disagreements repeatedly follow the same pattern, conversations end in defensiveness or withdrawal, or emotional distance continues to grow.
You don't have to wait until a relationship is in crisis.
Therapy can help partners recognize recurring patterns, understand emotional triggers, and practice healthier communication.
Individual therapy may also help when earlier experiences influence how someone responds to conflict.
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Further Learning & Resources
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📚 Continue Learning on The EMDR Coach Blog
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Meet Dana Carretta-Stein, LMHC
Dana Carretta-Stein is an LMHC, EMDRIA Approved Consultant, founder of The EMDR Coach, and founder of Peaceful Living Mental Health Counseling (PLMHC).
Her work focuses on trauma-informed therapy, nervous system healing, EMDR therapy, attachment patterns, and helping people understand the deeper roots behind emotional and behavioral patterns.
Dana blends neuroscience, trauma-informed education, and direct honesty in a way that helps listeners feel both validated and challenged to think differently about healing.
Her core belief: Symptoms make sense when you understand the nervous system underneath them.
Trauma-Informed Therapy Support Through PLMHC
Peaceful Living Mental Health Counseling provides trauma-informed therapy for children, teens, and adults.
Services include support for:
Anxiety
Overthinking
Perfectionism
Trauma
Burnout
Relationship struggles
Nervous system dysregulation
EMDR therapy
Life transitions
PLMHC offers in-person therapy in Scarsdale, NY and virtual therapy throughout New York, New Jersey, Connecticut, Colorado, and Florida.
Book a discovery call with our team to get matched with the right therapist.
Truth Bomb Transcript: Conflict Reveals Everything
Dana Carretta-Stein:
How can you tell a relationship is gonna work out or it isn't?
One of the best ways to figure that out is: How do you navigate conflict?
How someone navigates conflict is a really good sign for how the relationship is gonna fare.
It doesn't mean if their conflict and communication style is terrible that it's not gonna work, but it is very telling with what probably needs to be worked on in order for intimacy to be developed.
So those are conversations when people talk about couples therapy and things that we want to know.
How do I know this person is the right person I should date or marry?
Figure out how each other navigates conflict.
Conflict in any relationship is inevitable.
If you tell me that a relationship, whether a friendship or a partnership, anything, has zero conflict, I will tell you that that relationship has no resilience.
Conflict is a rupture, and it is the repair that determines how strong that relationship can become or not.
So if you wanna figure out if that relationship is gonna work, figure out how you handle conflict, and then ask the other how they handle conflict.
And you can figure out together what needs to be worked on for intimacy to develop.
That's your truth bomb for the day.
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