Episode 20: Why Change Feels Unsafe with Dana and Claudio
Why Change Feels Unsafe: Understanding Trauma, Uncertainty, and the Fear of What Comes Next
Welcome to another episode of The Truth About Healing Podcast.
Have you ever made a change that you knew was good for you, only to find yourself feeling anxious, overwhelmed, or questioning everything?
Maybe you started a new job, moved somewhere new, entered a relationship, or finally made a decision you'd been putting off.
Everything looks fine on paper.
So why does your body feel like something is wrong?
Sometimes, change feels unsafe because your nervous system has learned to associate uncertainty with difficult experiences from the past.
In Episode 20, Dana Carretta-Stein sits down with Claudio to explore why life transitions can feel emotionally exhausting, even when the practical details are going smoothly.
What starts as a conversation about moving offices quickly turns into a deeper discussion about childhood experiences, attachment, communication, and the emotional weight of not knowing what comes next.
And as Claudio discovers during their conversation, sometimes the hardest part of change isn't the transition itself.
It's what happens afterward.
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Episode Highlights
In this episode, Dana and Hannah talk about:
Why positive life transitions can still trigger anxiety
Claudio's experience moving between countries as a child and relocating his business as an adult
How relationships and fear of disappointing others complicate change
Childhood attachment patterns and the fear of abandonment
Mindful communication and how to approach uncomfortable conversations
How EMDR connects past experiences, present triggers, and future situations
Why gratitude is different from forced positivity
The importance of support, rest, and allowing discomfort during life transitions
Memorable Quote
"It's not the move itself that's difficult. It's the relational component." - Dana Carretta-Stein
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Further Learning & Resources
Discover journals, workbooks, consultation resources, and recommended tools designed to support both personal healing and professional growth.
EMDR Therapy Progress Journal
The EMDR Therapy Progress Journal helps clients track healing progress, identify
patterns, document insights, and stay connected to their therapeutic journey between sessions.
Perfect for:
EMDR clients
Trauma recovery work
Reflection between sessions
Tracking healing milestones
EMDR Coach Treatment Planning Workbook
Designed specifically for EMDR therapists, this workbook helps simplify case
conceptualization, target sequencing, and treatment planning.
Ideal for:
EMDR-trained clinicians
EMDR consultation groups
Organizing complex cases
Strengthening treatment planning skills
Produced by CayiVisions
The Truth About Healing Podcast is produced by CayiVisions, with Claudio
bringing his production expertise and perspective to the conversations.
Through its collaboration with Dana Carretta-Stein, CayiVisions helps bring honest, engaging discussions about trauma, mental health, relationships, and personal growth to listeners.
In Episode 20, Claudio steps into the conversation to share his own experiences with life transitions, offering a personal perspective on why change can feel uncomfortable, even when it leads to new opportunities.
Website: https://www.cayivisions.com
Instagram: @cayivisions
Meet Our Host Dana Carretta-Stein, LMHC
Dana Carretta-Stein is an LMHC, EMDRIA Approved Consultant, founder of The EMDR Coach, and founder of Peaceful Living Mental Health Counseling (PLMHC).
Her work focuses on trauma-informed therapy, nervous system healing, EMDR therapy, attachment patterns, and helping people understand the deeper roots behind emotional and behavioral patterns.
Dana blends neuroscience, trauma-informed education, and direct honesty in a way that helps listeners feel both validated and challenged to think differently about healing.
Her core belief: Symptoms make sense when you understand the nervous system underneath them.
Trauma-Informed Therapy Through PLMHC
Peaceful Living Mental Health Counseling provides trauma-informed therapy for children, teens, and adults.
Services include support for:
Overthinking
Burnout
Trauma
Emotional overwhelm
Nervous system dysregulation
PLMHC offers in-person therapy in Scarsdale and virtual therapy throughout New York, New Jersey, Connecticut, and Florida.
If you’ve been searching for trauma-informed therapy in Westchester or EMDR therapy in Scarsdale, support is available.
Full Episode Transcript: You Can't Rush Healing
Episode 20: Why Change Feels Unsafe with Dana and Claudio
Dana: Welcome to another episode of The Truth About Healing, the podcast that's here to challenge everything you think you knew about therapy.
I'm Dana Carretta-Stein, EMDR and neuro-informed therapist, and I'm on a mission to help 10 million people change their patterns, relationships, and future generations by teaching them how to gain control of their nervous system.
Let's go with it.
Life Transitions and Why Change Can Feel So Difficult
Dana: So, Jack, what would you like to talk about today? Anything good? You have any bones over the weekend?
Claudio: Yeah.
Dana: Today is September 14th. I know we release a little bit after the fact, but I thought today would be really great to talk about transitions.
September is usually a change month for a lot of people. My kids are transitioning back to school. We had a month of no childcare. Caroline still had her daycare, but my son's camp ended mid-August, and we had nothing until last Thursday.
So that was a really fun month.
September is all about change and transition, which goes so well with everything that's happened over the past couple of weeks, like Claudio changing offices.
For me, there's been so much change personally and professionally. My kids are going through change. My son is turning seven in four days, which is a big change. I don't know how I have a seven-year-old son. That's the craziest thing in the world to me.
Change is hard for a lot of people, especially if you've gone through stressful life experiences or trauma.
Even when change might be a good thing, it can still be really uncomfortable.
So I think it's good to have a conversation about that. How do you know the change you're going through is the right one if it's really uncomfortable?
Claudio: I think that probably resonates with a lot of people. It definitely resonates with me, as you already know.
For anyone listening who may not know, I went through a period in my life where I moved a lot. By a lot, I mean maybe four or five times.
Dana: You moved a lot.
Claudio: And in a very short span of time, around the mid-'90s.
I remember it not being such a big deal. Granted, you're a child, so you think about things differently. But the majority of those moves weren't that huge of a deal. I think at some point it did catch up with me.
And I'm not talking about moving from Stamford to Scarsdale.
Dana: No. Literally different countries. You were moving continents.
Claudio: Exactly. Massive moves.
In those transitions, you're leaving a lot of loved ones behind. And remember, we're going to age ourselves right now, but this was before Facebook and social media.
Dana: We are old farts.
Claudio: Even before cell phones.
Dana: I grew up with rotary phones. My kitchen phone was attached to the wall.
Claudio: Right. You were literally on the phone.
It was very different.
In those transitions, I left behind loved ones and friends. And because I did it several times, that happened a lot.
I recognized that these were life-changing experiences, but I just rolled with the punches. We made the best of the situation.
Dana: That's what we do as kids, right? We know there's a lot that's not in our control, so we roll with it.
Claudio: Exactly.
And those transitions were easier than what I'm experiencing today.
Here I am in my mid-40s. This isn't my first transition since childhood, but I'm moving again, and I can't tell you how difficult it's been.
The irony is that the move itself hasn't been difficult. You've actually made it supremely easy for me to transition as comfortably as possible.
But emotionally, it's become a thing.
The physical part helps me release energy. It's like when I slam a medicine ball because I have all this pent-up energy that needs to come out.
I'm beat up right now. I'm sore. But that's okay because it's helped me release a lot.
Emotionally, though, it's been the opposite.
It's been nerve-wracking. It's taken a toll on my mind.
I'm constantly thinking about things when I just want to relax. I'm running through crazy scenarios, and as an overthinker, I know more than half of them probably won't even happen.
So my question is simple.
How do we make transitions easier on the mind, the soul, and the body?
All of the above.
Your turn to talk. Tag.
The Emotional Side of Change
Dana: You bring up such a good point.
How do we make changes and transitions easier?
The first thing that comes to mind is leaving room for conversation.
You've gone through so many changes and moves. And I'm curious about something.
You and I have a great relationship. Does some of that emotional investment make the change harder?
Claudio: Absolutely.
In a lot of different ways.
There's the feeling of letting you down. There's how I might feel about letting myself down.
And my business is like a baby, like any business.
You have the baby. You nurture it. You grow it. It goes through the awkward years.
Dana: It rebels.
Claudio: Right now, it's in a rebellious stage.
Dana: It's a teenager.
Claudio: Exactly.
This is the second move, but the third location.
A lot goes into that because the business is moving and organically growing. There are new beginnings.
Someone might say, "You're just down the street."
And they're right.
But you'd be surprised how even a small move affects you personally and everyone connected to the business.
Suddenly, people say it's a far drive. Or it's out of the way. Or guests might not come.
At the end of the day, it's relative. It's not like I moved to another country.
Dana: Or another state.
Claudio: Well, technically another state.
Dana: Right over the state line.
Claudio: Exactly.
But change affects more than one person.
Dana: That's the point I was getting at.
It's not necessarily the move itself that's difficult. It's the relational component.
If you're making a change that only affects you, it can be easier because you're primarily thinking about yourself.
But when the change affects people you care about, there's more stress.
You care about those people.
That's why leaving room for conversation is so important.
You might be sitting there thinking, "Does Dana think this? Is she upset? Did I let her down?"
And I might not be thinking any of those things at all.
But because you care, you worry.
So leave room for the conversation.
You could say, "Hey, I keep telling myself this story. Is that what's actually happening here?"
Or, "This is what I'm concerned about because I value our relationship."
That conversation can help reduce some of the stress because you're communicating and connecting through the difficult experience.
Claudio: That's tough.
As you're talking it through and rationalizing it, it helps a lot.
But in this last week, I've been so stressed. And conversations aren't the first thing that comes to mind.
You know I love chatting. I talk to you all the time.
Even sitting here in front of a camera, I feel comfortable having this conversation.
But in those stressful moments, especially if there's potential conflict, that's another level.
Dana: That's what makes everybody go, "Ugh."
Claudio: Exactly.
Sometimes I don't want to have a conversation. I don't even know how to have one because I don't know how to express everything I'm feeling.
Mindful Communication and Difficult Conversations
Dana: Right there.
You said, "I don't know how to have that conversation."
Think about when we were in school.
Was there ever a class on how to navigate difficult interpersonal situations?
Claudio: Negative. That's a big, rotund negative.
Dana: Right.
I always say I wish they taught this in schools because then I wouldn't have a job, and I'd be okay with that.
If we taught interpersonal skills, what we call interpersonal effectiveness in DBT, people would have more tools for communicating with one another.
Another term is mindful communication.
People worry about being too passive or too aggressive. And there's this misconception that being assertive is negative.
But mindful communication means being able to respectfully and kindly express your experience while also holding space for the other person's experience.
You can receive what they're saying without becoming defensive or combative.
That's what effective communication can look like.
Most people have had experiences where expressing how they feel led to someone else's negative reaction.
We all do it.
When I argue with my husband, my knee-jerk reaction is, "Yeah, but..."
I want to defend myself.
But what if we took an extra moment to consider the other person's perspective?
Maybe it was really hard for them to bring something up.
Maybe we could listen to their concern instead of personalizing everything they say as an attack.
That creates room for a more effective conversation.
Claudio: That's so tough to do.
Think about the other side. You're receiving what you perceive as an attack.
In that moment, you have to be conscious enough to think, "Hey, it's not necessarily an attack. Let's understand what this person is feeling."
But when someone says, "Dana, you're this, this, this, and this," your first reaction is, "Mother what? Let me defend myself!"
Dana: Exactly.
Can you think of anybody you don't get in your head about when you need to have an uncomfortable conversation?
Claudio: Probably my parents, my wife, my sister, and my best friend.
The people closest to me.
At this point, there are zero walls up with them.
I can talk things out.
Even when I have to say something difficult, I know I'm not going to be judged for it.
I think that's what makes those conversations easier.
With people outside that circle, I start worrying.
What are they going to say?
What are they going to think?
And I also think it comes down to this: if I say something sideways to my family, they can't get rid of me.
We're stuck with each other.
Dana: You're secure.
Claudio: Exactly.
But with someone else, I could say something, not see them for a couple of days, and then suddenly they decide we shouldn't talk anymore.
You've lost the opportunity to say, "Okay, that was a tough conversation. Let's talk about it."
With my family, I know they'll be there.
That's what makes it easier.
How Childhood Experiences Shape Emotional Safety
Dana: That's so interesting.
I'll share a little about my experience because it shows how differently our brains can learn to respond.
You've had experiences where you expressed yourself and the people closest to you stayed present.
They listened.
We're circling around the theme of perceived abandonment.
For me, growing up, I was your typical ADHD kid.
I had very big emotions and didn't have the regulation tools yet.
My parents didn't know what we know now. They were following the parenting methods they had been taught, like the Ferber method and things like that.
When I had intense emotions, I got left alone.
So my brain learned that the people closest to me couldn't handle how I really felt.
For you, the people closest to you could.
Your trigger is having a difficult conversation with someone you're not yet close to, or someone you're still building a relationship with.
And that makes sense because you don't have enough experiences with that person to know how they'll respond.
For me, it was the opposite.
My brain learned not to feel secure in my closest relationships.
People I wasn't particularly close with actually felt safer.
And then I became a therapist, right?
I could hold space for people who weren't close to me much more easily.
But with the people closest to me, I had this fear of abandonment.
I've done work on that now, but for a long time, that fear was there because when I expressed intense emotions as a child, I was left alone.
My dad also had terrible anxiety.
When I was anxious as a kid, he couldn't say, "It's going to be okay. I see that you're nervous."
He couldn't regulate himself.
Claudio: He couldn't regulate.
Dana: Right. I didn't experience that co-regulation as a kid.
Claudio: I only learned about co-regulation because of you.
Dana: Exactly.
And this brings us back to moving.
It's not only the move that's stressful. It's the relational component.
The intensity of that stress can be influenced by whether the relationship is triggering an old experience or whether the concern is appropriate to the current situation.
Building Trust Through Consistent Actions
Claudio: Okay, let's get right to it.
How do we fix this?
How do we make transitions easier?
For me, with this move, how do I stop getting so stressed and worried about everything?
Dana: Some of that is time.
This is a newer experience.
We've known each other for about a year, and our relationship has gotten closer.
Now we're in a shared space together, so the relationship is different.
You need more experiences with me that demonstrate that my behavior matches my words.
Because people can say anything.
We have a saying: "Watch the feet, not the mouth."
Claudio: Ooh, I like that.
Dana: That's a Josephine-ism.
One of my best girlfriends, Josephine Rinaldi, always says that.
I can't take credit for it.
Claudio: That's great.
I usually say, "Actions speak louder than words," but I love that analogy.
In contact sports, when you're learning how to hit someone, you're supposed to watch their hips, not their upper body, because their hips tell you which direction they're going.
Dana: Exactly.
Claudio: But I hear what you're saying about time.
For impatient people like us, though, waiting is difficult.
The stress can consume you.
When you're nervous or overwhelmed, knowing that time needs to pass doesn't necessarily make the moment easier.
So how do we make that waiting period more tolerable?
How do we get to a place where we can say, "It's going to be okay. Let time do its thing"?
How EMDR Therapy Addresses Past, Present, and Future
Dana: That's where EMDR can be really helpful.
Think about using a future template.
Imagine having to wait six months for someone to demonstrate that their behavior matches their words.
What's the immediate thought that comes to mind?
Claudio: Anxious energy.
Dana: Feeling buzzy?
Claudio: Yeah. Pent-up energy. A lot of unknowns.
Dana: What's the belief there?
Claudio: I don't know.
I don't know what the right answer is.
Dana: And if you don't have the words, that's okay.
I always say the negative cognition, or NC, isn't the most important thing.
What we might do is notice that feeling.
Notice where you feel it in your body.
Then we might use a technique called a floatback to explore another time in your life when you experienced a similar feeling.
That's one way we begin identifying whether something from the past is informing the present.
Claudio: Remember when I called you a while back and said I'd had a breakthrough?
Dana: Yes! You did a floatback on yourself.
Claudio: I did.
So you're saying to think about the feeling and remember when I felt it before?
The first time or the last time?
Dana: We don't have to start with the first time.
We just notice another time that same feeling or bodily sensation occurred.
When a memory comes up, we identify approximately how old you were.
Then we might explore whether anything earlier comes to mind.
We start building a timeline.
You don't have to know the first or worst experience immediately.
Once we've identified potential targets, we can look through them together.
Which one stands out as the worst?
Which was the earliest?
Which was the most recent?
In standard EMDR treatment planning, we often consider the first, worst, and most recent experiences.
Then we decide where to begin.
Different experiences can be connected within the same memory network.
Think about a root with different channels branching off from it.
We might begin with a more recent experience and work backward, or we might begin with an earlier memory.
The treatment plan depends on the client and what emerges during assessment.
After addressing relevant past experiences, we return to the present-day trigger.
Remember, EMDR uses a three-pronged approach:
Past, present, and future.
We explore the past experiences, address the present trigger, and then prepare for the future.
In this example, the present trigger is imagining having to wait six months for someone's actions to match their words.
In EMDR, we assess distress using the Subjective Units of Disturbance scale, or SUD.
We also work with a positive cognition, or PC, which is a more adaptive belief.
Let's say the belief is, "I can handle it."
We might then use a future template.
You imagine the anticipated experience of waiting six months while holding that more adaptive belief.
How true does "I can handle it" feel?
We assess that using a scale from one to seven.
One means completely false. Seven means completely true.
If the belief doesn't feel sufficiently true, we explore what may be getting in the way.
There may be another memory or belief that needs attention.
Then we reassess.
That's part of the EMDR process.
I always use this analogy.
Have you ever been nervous about driving somewhere for the first time, so you do a test drive the day before?
You figure out the route, how long it takes, and where you're going.
Then when you actually need to drive there, it's more familiar.
A future template is somewhat like that.
You're mentally rehearsing a future experience with a more adaptive response.
The goal is to help you approach that anticipated situation with greater confidence and flexibility.
If other memories or blocking beliefs emerge, we may need to address those first.
It's a process of connecting past experiences, present reactions, and future expectations.
Claudio: Okay.
That's a lot of information.
Dana: It is!
I know my EMDR therapists listening are probably following along, but anyone who doesn't do EMDR regularly probably has questions.
Claudio: The rest of us!
I was going to ask whether you have your lab coat, pocket protector, and chemistry goggles.
Dana: Yes! We're getting science-y.
Claudio: We might need props for future episodes.
Dana: I have a brain in my office.
Claudio: We should have a segment.
Dana: Science with Dana!
I love that.
Why Some Memories Are Hard to Access
Claudio: As you were explaining all of that, I was thinking about my own memories.
And I realized something.
My mind almost seems to be blocking me from digging deeper.
I'm trying to remember other times I've felt this way.
But I can't go very far back.
I can identify more recent experiences, and the word that keeps coming up is uncertainty.
That's the feeling.
You don't know whether something is going to be good or bad.
But when I try to go further back in my timeline, nothing comes up.
And I know from conversations we've had that this earlier period of my life involved experiences that still affect me.
But right now, my mind is saying, "Nope. Everything was fine. It was all happy."
Why does the brain do that?
Dana: It can be protective.
Claudio: What's it protecting me against?
It's all in the past.
Dana: This is where we talk about trusting the EMDR process.
If you identify some memories during a floatback, they might not be the memories you expected.
But we work with what actually comes up.
If something earlier is connected, it may emerge during processing.
We don't need to force it.
Claudio: I can already tell these memories are connected because they're in the same theme.
But I'm also recording right now. My mind is focused on the conversation and everything happening around me.
Dana: You're in executive-functioning mode.
Claudio: Exactly.
Maybe I'm not in the place to access something more vulnerable at this moment.
But I realized something else.
I've gotten really good at moving.
I'm a master mover.
I know how to physically get my things from one place to another.
If someone told me I had to move tomorrow, my brain would immediately start planning.
Where am I putting everything?
Where am I storing it?
Who do I need to contact?
That part is comfortable.
So when I say I'm afraid of uncertainty, it's not the physical move I'm uncertain about.
Dana: That's not the uncertain part.
Claudio: Exactly.
It's the emotional part.
The relationships.
The people I've worked with.
The people who have been part of my close circle.
And the new environment.
What happens next?
That's the part.
Dana: Bingo.
Claudio: I'm pretty settled now.
The bookshelves are there. The seats are there. The microphones are on.
The actual move was almost therapeutic because I could release energy.
But now the new normal begins.
And I'm afraid of what that new normal might be because it's unknown.
Dana: Right.
Think about when your previous new normal was difficult.
Your brain may have made a connection:
"I was uncertain before, and things didn't turn out well. I don't want that to happen again."
That's part of how past experiences can influence current fear.
Claudio: Exactly.
And when it's happened a few times, it almost feels reassuring that it's going to happen again.
Dana: Right.
With repeated stressful experiences, the nervous system may learn to associate uncertainty with something bad happening.
So now you encounter a situation where uncertainty is normal, but your body responds based on those earlier experiences.
Can You Become More Comfortable With Uncertainty?
Claudio: Is EMDR the only way to work on this?
Or are there things someone can start doing to alleviate those feelings?
I want to be able to say, "We're here. Let's move on. It's uncertain, but it's okay."
Good things can happen in uncertainty, too.
Dana: Absolutely.
Our brains use previous experiences as a frame of reference.
You might have experiences where uncertainty turned out well, but if you've had more difficult experiences, or experiences that were especially intense, those may have a stronger influence on how you interpret the present.
Claudio: Or the weight of the experience.
Maybe it's not the number of experiences but how intense they were.
Dana: Exactly.
I remember Professor Roback from graduate school. He was one of my favorite professors.
We learned about the five-to-one ratio in a couples counseling class.
The idea was that positive interactions need to significantly outweigh negative ones.
And while that's a relationship concept, it brings up something important about how strongly negative experiences can affect us.
Our brains are wired to pay attention to potential threats.
That's part of survival.
If you hear a tiger in the bushes, you need to notice it.
So negative experiences can carry a lot of weight.
Claudio: But think about how complicated that becomes.
Sometimes we don't control whether good or bad things happen.
What if someone has several terrible experiences in one day?
How are they supposed to create enough positive experiences to make up for them?
Especially someone who's already going through a difficult time?
Dana: That's why support is so important.
We often say it's not only what happened to you, but who was there for you.
When someone experiences something stressful, having an empathetic person who listens and supports them can make a meaningful difference.
We also need decompression time.
The more intense or prolonged the stress, the more recovery time someone may need.
If you're under chronic stress, you may need more rest than someone experiencing a more manageable level of stress.
We need time to decompress.
We need supportive people.
And we need opportunities to process what we've experienced.
Gratitude, Toxic Positivity, and Finding the Silver Lining
Claudio: Would it be fair to say that's why having a positive attitude and practicing gratitude are important?
If you learn to appreciate the little things, maybe you build a foundation of positive experiences.
Dana: It can be really hard to do that when you've been traumatized.
That's where toxic positivity comes in.
People say, "Just think about it differently. Be more positive. Be more grateful."
But they may not understand what that person has lived through.
Claudio: Absolutely.
I'm thinking more about someone who hasn't experienced that level of trauma.
Maybe they can develop a habit of noticing the good things.
For example, when my puppy Luli passed away, it broke me in half.
And since then, whenever the sun is shining beautifully, I associate it with her.
I call her name.
It's like, "Luli came."
And it makes me happy.
Before that, the sun was just the sun.
Sometimes it was hot. Sometimes I didn't want it.
Now I appreciate it so much more.
That experience changed how I see something that's there almost every day.
And I wonder whether learning to notice those moments can help us when difficult things happen.
Dana: How did you learn to do that?
Would you have appreciated the sun in the same way if you hadn't experienced the pain of losing Luli?
Claudio: No.
Absolutely not.
Dana: Right.
Sometimes difficult experiences change what we notice and appreciate.
That doesn't mean we need to seek out pain.
But it does mean we can learn something about ourselves through difficult experiences.
And this brings up something about parenting.
We need to allow our kids to experience age-appropriate disappointment.
Trying to protect them from every uncomfortable feeling doesn't necessarily help them develop the ability to tolerate frustration.
Claudio: I agree.
I worked with youth for a long time, and I've seen how much parenting can influence children.
Dana: And there's also the fear of how other people judge us as parents.
My son Philip is turning seven.
He can be a real McAsshole when he wants to be.
On Friday, he had a noon dismissal.
I know some of his triggers. Sometimes he's hungry. Sometimes he's disappointed because he doesn't get what he wants.
He had lost his iPad privileges because of his behavior.
When he was reminded of that after school, the walk home became a whole experience.
Suddenly his leg hurt. He was walking slowly. He was complaining.
And I knew he was upset about being told no.
My nephew Peter and I continued walking with him.
But I was thinking, "Someone's going to drive by and think I'm a terrible parent."
They're going to see a kid screaming and assume I'm ignoring him.
And that fear of being judged can make you want to give in.
But I've learned to let people think what they want.
Because if I make parenting decisions based entirely on what strangers think, that doesn't necessarily help my son.
I want him to learn how to tolerate disappointment.
Flash forward to last night.
He hadn't had his iPad all weekend.
He came outside so excited.
"Mom, I opened my piggy bank, and I have $15! Now I can get more Robux!"
And I asked him, "If you'd been playing on your iPad, would you have noticed your piggy bank and counted your money?"
He said no.
Then he said, "I'm so proud of myself."
And that was meaningful because he'd earned that money through his allowance.
He experienced something positive because he had the opportunity to do something different.
The point is that we sometimes need to allow discomfort instead of immediately trying to remove it.
And that connects to trauma recovery, too.
Avoidance can reinforce anxiety.
In therapy, we may need to approach difficult experiences gradually and safely, with support, rather than avoiding everything that brings up discomfort.
Claudio: Silver lining.
That's an interesting phrase.
I didn't know what it meant until I saw the movie Silver Linings Playbook with Bradley Cooper.
I wasn't born in this country, so there are American expressions I didn't grow up hearing.
But after watching the movie, I understood the phrase.
And it became one of my favorites.
Life is going to be difficult.
Some experiences will be amazing. Others won't.
But I love the idea of finding something meaningful or positive, even during difficult times.
For example, a silver lining of some of my experiences is that I got to meet my buddy Jack, who's passed out on the couch next to me.
Dana: He's completely knocked out.
Claudio: Hiding behind the pillows, as always.
But I love that saying because it helps me look at life differently.
Dana: That's where gratitude can come in.
And it reminds me of something Mr. Rogers said about looking for the helpers when something bad happens.
There isn't always something wonderful that comes out of a terrible experience.
Someone's house burns down, for example. That's devastating.
But noticing the people who show up to help can remind us that there is still good in the world.
Claudio: Exactly.
I think the sooner you can begin looking for something positive, instead of staying stuck in how awful the experience was, the sooner your perspective may start to shift.
Dana: And that doesn't mean denying what happened.
You can acknowledge that something really shitty happened and still recognize that other things are possible.
Both experiences can exist.
Belonging, Adaptation, and Learning to Fit In
Claudio: Your audience is going to get a whole new perspective on me.
For example, I know who Mr. Rogers is now, but I never watched him growing up.
I didn't really understand his importance in American culture until I saw the movie.
Dana: You didn't grow up in America when you were little.
Claudio: Exactly.
I came here when I was about 13 or 14.
My childhood wasn't spent here.
I lived on an island that was pretty secluded. We didn't have a lot of television channels or American programming.
When I arrived in the United States in 1994, it felt like experiencing a whole new world.
I learned as much as I could about American pop culture, including things that happened before I arrived.
I wanted to understand what people were talking about.
Maybe those were my chameleon skills.
Dana: You adapted.
And that speaks to the clinical theme of belonging.
You studied those things because being able to connect with people and feel included was important to you.
Claudio: Absolutely.
I had to learn so I could fit in.
It's still a running joke with my friends and my wife's family.
They'll reference something, and sometimes I have absolutely no idea what they're talking about.
I just say, "Well, I wasn't here."
It's my get-out-of-jail-free card.
Dana: And it's accurate!
Claudio: Even earlier today, we were talking about soda.
Dana: Fresca!
Claudio: Exactly.
There are things I've never had or never seen.
Dana: And I love when you share that perspective.
It reminds us that our experiences aren't universal.
We have to remember there are people outside our own culture and experiences.
We can ask questions.
We can learn about how other people grew up.
And that's how we understand one another better.
Jack is knocked out right now.
Claudio: I know.
Dana: Are you tired, little boy?
Oh, you woke him up!
Claudio: You woke him up.
Dana: I'm sorry, Jack.
Final Thoughts: Change, Trauma, and What Comes Next
Dana: Well, that's our conversation for today.
We started talking about transitions and changes, and we got into how trauma can influence the way we experience those transitions.
We talked about relationships, communication, uncertainty, and what we can do when old patterns start showing up.
I hope this conversation was helpful.
If you've had experiences with change or transitions that you'd like to share, please leave a comment or reach out through the show notes.
I'm so glad to have everyone here and to have Claudio here in our space.
As always, I'm your host, Dana Carretta-Stein, reminding you that we repeat what we don't repair.
I'll see you on the next one.
Podcast Outro
Dana: Thank you for listening to another episode of The Truth About Healing Podcast.
If you know someone who's still stuck, share this episode with them because, as you know, the truth can set them free.
And if you're ready to get started and see what you need to repair, contact us at peacefullivingmentalhealthcounseling.com, and we will get you started.
Until next time, I'm Dana Carretta-Stein, reminding you:
We repeat what we don't repair.
Podcast Disclaimer
This podcast is for informational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional mental health or medical advice. Listening does not create a therapist-client relationship. If you need support, contact a licensed professional or your local emergency services.
Crisis Support: If you're in crisis, call or text 988 in the U.S. or contact your local emergency number.
Transcript lightly edited for readability while preserving the meaning and conversational tone of the original recording
Subscribe to The Truth About Healing Podcast
The Truth About Healing is about looking beyond the surface and understanding what's really driving our patterns, emotions, relationships, and behaviors.
Through honest conversations, trauma-informed insights, and nervous system education, Dana challenges common beliefs about healing and offers a more compassionate way to understand ourselves.
Because healing isn't about becoming someone new. It's about understanding what shaped you, repairing what still impacts you, and creating space for something different.
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We repeat what we don't repair.
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