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Episode 11: Healing After Loss with Dorothy Cascerceri Simone
- Aug 12
- 27 min read
Updated: 5 days ago
Healing After Loss: Pregnancy Loss, PTSD, EMDR & Finding Yourself Again
Welcome to Episode 11 of The Truth About Healing Podcast.
What happens when grief isn't one isolated event, but years of loss, uncertainty, medical procedures, relationship stress, and trying to keep functioning while your nervous system is taking hit after hit?
For Dorothy Cascerceri Simone, Healing After Loss meant facing not only the trauma of losing pregnancies, but an entire lifetime of anxiety, relational wounds, people-pleasing, and patterns that had kept her disconnected from herself.
Dorothy is the host and executive producer of That Greenwich Life, an event emcee and live auctioneer, luxury travel writer, and digital content creator.
After experiencing a termination for medical reasons (TFMR), multiple pregnancy losses, unsuccessful IVF journeys, and PTSD, Dorothy turned to EMDR therapy as part of her healing.
In this deeply personal conversation, Dorothy joins Dana to talk about the realities of pregnancy loss and infertility, the trauma that can happen after the original trauma, what EMDR felt like for her, learning radical acceptance, and eventually realizing that healing wasn't about becoming someone new.
It was about finding her way back to herself.
Listen on Your Favorite Podcast Platform
Episode Highlights
In This Episode
Dorothy's experience with TFMR after receiving devastating news at her 20-week anatomy scan
The physical and emotional reality of coming home without her baby
Why pregnancy loss can affect the nervous system long after the immediate crisis
The "trauma after the trauma" when expected support doesn't show up
How Dorothy discovered EMDR therapy
Why EMDR felt different from the therapy she expected
Multiple IVF cycles, pregnancy losses, and years of medical trauma
How chronic uncertainty contributed to depression, anxiety, and PTSD
The role of grief retreats, yoga, meditation, connection, and body-based healing
What radical acceptance looked like for Dorothy
Learning to hold grief and joy at the same time
Why healing didn't require Dorothy to erase what happened
Releasing attachment to outcomes she couldn't control
Finding peace before she knew what would happen next
Becoming pregnant naturally after deciding she was finished with IVF
Why Dorothy does not define her healing by eventually having her daughter
Breaking generational patterns with her children
Learning to regulate instead of constantly seeking validation and co-regulation
Why healing can mean returning to who you were before trauma taught you to disconnect from yourself
Memorable Quote
"My healing journey was not about healing what happened in March of 2019. It was about healing an entire lifetime of Dorothy." - Dorothy Cascerceri Simone
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Further Learning & Resources
Discover journals, workbooks, consultation resources, and recommended tools designed to support both personal healing and professional growth.
EMDR Therapy Progress Journal
The EMDR Therapy Progress Journal helps clients track healing progress, identify
patterns, document insights, and stay connected to their therapeutic journey between sessions.
Perfect for:
EMDR clients
Trauma recovery work
Reflection between sessions
Tracking healing milestones
EMDR Coach Treatment Planning Workbook
Designed specifically for EMDR therapists, this workbook helps simplify case
conceptualization, target sequencing, and treatment planning.
Ideal for:
EMDR-trained clinicians
EMDR consultation groups
Organizing complex cases
Strengthening treatment planning skills
Meet Our Guest: Dorothy Cascerceri Simone
Dorothy Cascerceri Simone is the host and executive producer of That Greenwich Life, an event emcee and live auctioneer, luxury travel writer, and digital content creator.
Throughout her media career, Dorothy has worked with major outlets including People Magazine, InTouch Weekly, Life & Style Weekly, and The National Enquirer, and has appeared on television discussing entertainment news and celebrity culture.
Beyond media, Dorothy uses her platform to advocate for greater awareness around pregnancy loss, infertility, PTSD, and trauma healing.
After experiencing TFMR, multiple pregnancy losses, unsuccessful IVF journeys, and PTSD, Dorothy found EMDR therapy to be an important part of her healing journey.
Today, she speaks openly about her experiences in hopes of helping other women and families feel less alone.
Connect With Dorothy
Instagram: @dorothyontv
Website: dorothyontv.com
YouTube: Dorothy On TV
Podcast: That Greenwich Life on Apple Podcasts and Spotify
Meet Our Host Dana Carretta-Stein, LMHC
Dana Carretta-Stein is an LMHC, EMDRIA Approved Consultant, founder of The EMDR Coach, and founder of Peaceful Living Mental Health Counseling (PLMHC).
Her work focuses on trauma-informed therapy, nervous system healing, EMDR therapy, attachment patterns, and helping people understand the deeper roots behind emotional and behavioral patterns.
Dana blends neuroscience, trauma-informed education, and direct honesty in a way that helps listeners feel both validated and challenged to think differently about healing.
Her core belief: Symptoms make sense when you understand the nervous system underneath them.
Trauma-Informed Therapy Through PLMHC
Peaceful Living Mental Health Counseling provides trauma-informed therapy for children, teens, and adults.
Services include support for:
Overthinking
Burnout
Trauma
Emotional overwhelm
Nervous system dysregulation
PLMHC offers in-person therapy in Scarsdale and virtual therapy throughout New York, New Jersey, Connecticut, and Florida.
If you’ve been searching for trauma-informed therapy in Westchester or EMDR therapy in Scarsdale, support is available.
Full Episode Transcript
Healing After Loss with Dorothy Cascerceri Simone
Dana:
Welcome to another episode of The Truth About Healing, the podcast that's here to challenge everything you think you knew about therapy.
I'm Dana Carretta-Stein, EMDR and neuro-informed therapist, and I'm on a mission to help 10 million people change their patterns, relationships, and future generations by teaching them how to gain control of their nervous system.
Let's go with it.
Dorothy Cascerceri Simone is the host and executive producer of the podcast That Greenwich Life, an event emcee and live auctioneer, luxury travel writer, and digital content creator.
Through her media career, Dorothy has worked with major outlets including People Magazine, InTouch Weekly, Life & Style Weekly, and The National Enquirer, appearing regularly on television discussing entertainment news and celebrity culture.
Beyond media, Dorothy is a fierce advocate for pregnancy loss, infertility, PTSD, and trauma healing.
Following a TFMR, multiple pregnancy losses, unsuccessful IVF journeys, and PTSD, Dorothy found healing through EMDR therapy and now uses her platform to help other women feel less alone in their own healing journeys.
Dorothy, welcome to The Truth About Healing.
Dorothy:
Thank you so much for having me.
Dana:
I am so glad you're here.
Quite a background. You've done so much, and you've healed through so much.
I'm really excited to unpack all of this with you.
Tell me a little bit about your story around loss and survival.
Dorothy:
How much time do you have?
Dana:
We've got as long as you've got, my love.
Dorothy:
Basically, I went through this horrific period of life.
I talk about it a lot on my podcast, That Greenwich Life, and on Instagram at @dorothyontv.
I went through this period where I feel like I kind of died as a person.
Then I came back.
I rebuilt and rebirthed myself.
I'm grateful for it now.
I look back and know that it all happened for me and not to me, even though at the time, shedding that victim mentality was really what it was all about.
It was hard.
I was really excited when you invited me onto your show because I get invited to do a lot of podcasts. Each one is different and every host is different.
But your show in particular is so fabulous because of what you do, which is EMDR therapy.
For me, EMDR was such a game changer.
It's something I've realized a lot of people don't really know much about.
Through my podcast, I've tried to talk about my experience and motivate people to look into it.
I've actually successfully motivated several people to pursue it.
Dana:
That's so exciting.
That's the vision, right?
We want to spread the word about EMDR and how powerful it can be.
Dorothy:
It makes me so glad because I wish I had known about it at other times in my life to address other traumas.
But I went through the worst possible scenario you can imagine as a pregnant woman.
All of our tests were looking great.
Everything was coming back perfect.
We told our three-year-old son that his baby brother was coming.
Then, at our 20-week anatomy scan, toward the end of the scan, we received the absolute worst news you could ever imagine.
Our lives were forever changed in that one moment.
We enlisted the help of the best surgeons and doctors, and there were multiple layers of problems.
There was a huge problem with our son's heart, and surgery wasn't really something that was going to fix it.
We weren't given much of a choice aside from carrying him to term, giving him comfort care, and watching him die within days of being born.
So we selected a TFMR.
You never think you're going to be in this situation.
You never want to imagine it.
I don't wish it on my worst enemy.
But this was our reality.
This was our story and our life.
It was the most earth-shattering, heartbreaking thing I've ever gone through as a human being.
There was so much trauma around coming home from the hospital without your baby in your arms.
Your milk comes in.
Your whole body is essentially in a postpartum state, but there's no baby.
Sometimes I look back and think it's a miracle I survived it.
When I talk about it now, sometimes it doesn't even feel like it was actually my life because I don't know how I survived it.
Especially while taking care of a three-and-a-half-year-old and dealing with his grief, too.
We had to find a way to tell him that our baby was going to stay with God instead of coming home to our house.
I always cry when I talk about this, no matter how long it's been.
The grief will always stay with me.
Dana:
Absolutely.
You're not supposed to feel okay about it.
Dorothy:
No.
And I never will.
But the trauma was so real.
I was having a really hard time.
I was deeply depressed.
There was also a disconnect with certain key people in my life who I thought were going to be key people.
That became a secondary trauma.
People who have gone through pregnancy loss, miscarriage, failed IVF, or infertility know how incredibly difficult that journey can be.
There's a huge difference when you have parents, family members, and friends who unconditionally hold your hand and walk that journey with you.
We had many people who did that for us.
But we also had some people we thought would be important supports who weren't.
Dana:
Some surprises.
Things that shocked you.
We call that the trauma after the trauma.
Dorothy:
Exactly.
I was having a really hard time, and my therapist recommended EMDR therapy.
I found this amazing woman who had done a lot of pro bono work with first responders who went to Sandy Hook Elementary.
I didn't know much about EMDR, but I was open to anything.
Anything that could help me stop feeling like such a shell of myself.
It ended up being life-changing for me.
And it was completely different from what I thought it was going to be.
Dana:
What did you think it would be?
Dorothy:
I thought it would involve a lot more talking about the situation.
Instead, so much of it was happening internally.
Dana:
Processing.
Dorothy:
Exactly.
And that was fascinating to me.
I also thought it was something I was going to need to do for a very long time.
I was willing to do it forever.
But my therapist graduated me after maybe eight sessions.
Dana:
Wow.
And that's something that's big in our practice.
We want you to graduate.
We want you not to need us anymore.
We're always here when life happens and something else comes up.
But EMDR isn't supposed to be lifelong treatment.
It's about processing and integrating experiences and helping the nervous system respond differently.
Dorothy:
And I did eventually go back.
Because there were more layers.
Dorothy:
Because there are layers, right?
I talk about my story in terms of that first crucial thing that happened with our son Dean, our angel baby.
But if it had just been that, as horrible as that was, it would have been an isolated incident.
I ended up really having complex PTSD.
Dana:
Most people do, and they don't realize it.
It's very rare that we have one terrible thing happen and that's it.
Dorothy:
Exactly.
After losing Dean, we went through a period where we couldn't get pregnant.
What happened to us initially had nothing to do with me or my husband. It was completely random. It had nothing to do with my age. I think I was 38 at the time.
A 20-year-old getting pregnant and a 40-year-old getting pregnant had the same chance of this particular thing occurring.
We were under the assumption, because our doctors assured us, that everything would be fine going forward.
And everything was so not fine going forward.
Losing Dean was almost like the kickoff to an even more horrific period of our lives.
You don't think things could get worse.
But they did.
Dana:
It became this whole period of distress.
Dorothy:
Exactly.
Then we couldn't get pregnant.
We did an IUI, and that didn't work.
Then COVID shut the world down, including fertility treatments and IVF.
Eventually, we did our first IVF cycle.
For anyone who's been through IVF, if you do it and you have the eggs and embryos, transfer an embryo, become pregnant, and ultimately have a baby, science is amazing.
It can feel like a positive and empowering experience.
But when you go through it and those things don't happen, and they continually don't happen, and the doctors don't know what's happening, you get on this roller coaster unlike anything I've ever experienced.
Dana:
You get your hopes up.
Then you get let down.
Dorothy:
Exactly.
And you're dealing with more death within your body.
You're dealing with more procedures.
You're going under anesthesia.
I was under anesthesia so many times.
It felt like living in this fun house.
Dana:
The not-so-fun house.
The nightmare house.
Dorothy:
Exactly.
It was more and more trauma.
All the needles.
All the doctor's appointments.
All the blood draws.
One morning, I went in at 7:00 AM and they needed something like 18 vials of blood.
Dana:
It's like you're Tyson in the ring.
You just keep getting hit, getting hit, getting hit, without having any time to recover.
Dorothy:
That's exactly right.
Each loss and each time something didn't work out, it wasn't simply that things weren't "going our way."
That doesn't explain how badly things were going.
They were going in the polar opposite direction of what anyone expected.
Dana:
That's part of what makes it so terrible.
It's the shock of things you don't expect.
You have some idea that things might go this way or that way.
But then you keep getting curveballs.
Dorothy:
Correct.
We just kept getting hit.
And I sank more and more into depression.
My anxiety around everything kept escalating.
Four Years of Trying, Hoping and Surviving
Dana:
Going through multiple cycles of IVF is hard enough by itself.
But you were starting with this huge void.
Dorothy:
Absolutely.
We started with the guest room at the end of the hall still being a guest room.
We started with all these dreams of our baby being in our arms and being part of our lives.
And he wasn't.
Every move we made to try to come closer to fulfilling that dream felt like the universe was saying, "Nope. Sorry."
It felt like everything we had already done didn't count.
All the money.
All the shots.
Everything.
It was torturous.
Dana:
How long did this period last?
Dorothy:
March of 2019 was when we found out about our son.
It was June of 2022 when I finally told my husband, "That's enough now."
Dana:
So years of trying again and again.
Taking hit after hit.
Dorothy:
Yes.
And getting pregnant, too.
My 40th birthday became another watershed moment.
I use that word literally because Hurricane Ida caused an insane flood throughout parts of Greenwich.
We had six feet of water in the lower level of our home.
Dana:
Wow.
Dorothy:
It was incredibly traumatic and frightening.
It happened the night of my 40th birthday.
It wiped out photo albums from high school and college.
So many things I owned were gone.
Dana:
It's almost symbolic in a strange way.
Like clearing the deck and starting over.
Dorothy:
It was entirely symbolic.
And I was pregnant at the time.
We had taken a break from IVF, and I had gotten pregnant naturally.
We were so excited.
We thought, "This is it. This is what we've been waiting for."
While we were cleaning up the debris and everything we'd lost, I was going to Greenwich Hospital.
My levels looked amazing.
Eventually, I went to my OB, and the ultrasound looked amazing.
At the same time, we were dealing with the aftermath of the flood.
We had lost systems in our house.
No air conditioning.
No heat.
Insurance issues.
All of it.
Dana:
So many moving parts.
Dorothy:
Exactly.
My husband had planned a 40th birthday party for me at our house for around 150 people.
We had to cancel it.
But he surprised me with a trip to Croatia later that month.
I'm a travel writer, so I'm usually the person planning our trips. It was really sweet that he planned this one.
Everything with the pregnancy had been looking great.
Then, the day before we were supposed to leave for Croatia, I went in for another ultrasound.
I was chatting with the ultrasound technician.
Then she said:
"I'm so sorry. There's no heartbeat."
Dana:
Oh, God.
And everything had been looking good?
Dorothy:
Everything was fine.
I remember sitting in that office thinking:
"This is the most bottomless moment."
When Grief Becomes a Bottomless Place
Dorothy:
Around the flood and my birthday, I'd also had a come-to-Jesus moment with a parent.
I set a very loving boundary.
Dana:
That's well put.
A loving boundary.
That's what they can be.
Dorothy:
I essentially said, "You're hurting the people you love the most. I hope you can get some help."
We were already dealing with the flood and a million other things.
Nobody in my family even knew I was pregnant because things were so strained.
And I reached this place where I thought:
"I don't even think I'm a person anymore."
I didn't feel like I mattered.
I felt invisible in the world.
I wondered where my angels were.
Where was my grandmother?
Was anyone watching over me?
I felt so alone.
I had been reduced to almost nothing.
Dana:
I really appreciate your vulnerability right now.
I know this is hard.
Dorothy:
It was during this time that I went back to my EMDR therapist because I felt suicidal.
I hate even saying that because my living son was the center of my universe.
I would never want to do anything to ruin his life.
But it was terrifying to feel that way.
I felt so powerless.
Dana:
And it's terrifying as a mom because you're thinking, "I would never do that to my child."
But at the same time, you can feel like being here is hurting your child because you're the worst version of yourself.
You feel trapped.
Dorothy:
Totally trapped.
It was an all-time low.
I went back to EMDR, and it was incredibly helpful.
But I had been through so much during that period.
I did many different things to heal.
Grief retreats.
Meditation.
Yoga.
Dana:
You slowed down.
Dorothy:
I did.
I was completely on pause.
Pause for me was probably still some people's version of busy.
But I needed to focus on my healing.
I remember thinking:
"I can't have one more death in my body."
I felt like I was simply the physical form of a person walking around.
Inside, it was my dark night of the soul.
Dana:
You felt totally disconnected.
Dorothy:
Completely disconnected.
Finding Your Way Back to Yourself
Dana:
From where you are today, how did you start rebuilding that connection with yourself?
When did the light start coming back on?
Dorothy:
After the flood and my birthday, I think I started accepting that we probably weren't going to have another child.
I realized I needed to save myself.
My husband was great, but we had difficult times during all of this, too.
There were times when I wasn't sure we were going to make it.
Dana:
Of course.
Experiences like this can put enormous stress on relationships.
Dorothy:
Absolutely.
But we worked hard.
We put a lot of work into our marriage.
And every day, I started implementing the tools I had learned around grief, anxiety, and my nervous system.
I also went on a grief retreat.
That was where I had this realization, in the darkness before sunrise, that everything that had happened up until that point had happened for me and not to me.
Dana:
Was it almost an aha moment?
Dorothy:
Yes.
I was able to shed this victim mentality that I'd realized I had been carrying throughout my life.
Dana:
What kind of work had you been doing on the retreat before that moment?
Because it sounds like your nervous system was settling enough for you to have that realization.
Dorothy:
It was the final morning of the retreat.
It was yoga for grief.
There was a lot of group discussion.
Everyone there had experienced some form of grief.
Dana:
So there was connection with other people.
Dorothy:
Exactly.
Everyone had experienced something.
Some people had gone through incredibly traumatic losses.
For someone else, grief might have been moving out of one home and into another.
Grief is grief.
The intensity can be profound regardless of what the situation looks like from the outside.
It was an incredibly healing few days.
Dana:
So you had body work and connection with other people.
Co-regulation.
Dorothy:
Yes.
We wrote letters to our future selves.
Dana:
I love that exercise.
Dorothy:
I ended up receiving mine in the mail much later.
I still have it.
We did different activities with stones, reflecting on what we wanted to take out of the bag and put into the jar.
There was a lot.
It didn't heal me overnight.
Dana:
The best kind of healing doesn't.
Dorothy:
Exactly.
It was the culmination of many different healing modalities.
Dana:
There are so many helpful modalities.
There isn't necessarily one that's the best for everyone.
They can support each other.
Dorothy:
That's right.
What Nervous System Healing Actually Felt Like
Dorothy:
When the flood happened on my 40th birthday, I saw a different nervous system at play.
My nervous system was already beginning to regulate in a way it never had before, even in the middle of all that chaos and groundlessness.
Dana:
What felt different in your body?
If someone's listening and wondering what "a more regulated nervous system" actually means, what did you notice?
Dorothy:
It felt like:
"Oh my gosh, everything is gone."
But also:
"We are safe. We are okay."
Dana:
So there was a level of groundedness.
Dorothy:
Yes.
There was groundedness.
Then three weeks later, I went to that ultrasound.
When I learned there was no heartbeat, I immediately thought, "We're not going to Croatia tomorrow."
I wasn't going to get on an airplane and risk miscarrying in Croatia.
Instead of going to Croatia, I went to Stamford Hospital and had another D&C.
But here's another example of how I was evolving.
We couldn't reschedule Croatia for various reasons, so the following week we flew to Italy and went to the Amalfi Coast.
I remember jumping off the boat into the water and looking at the coastline.
It felt like a baptism of sorts.
Everything had been completely turned on its head.
Everything we thought was going to happen hadn't happened.
Instead, all of these horrific things had happened.
My body had experienced trauma in one of the most sacred places of my being as a woman.
And yet, there I was.
I was learning how to hold the light and the dark at the same time.
Dana:
Yes.
That's walking the middle path.
Dorothy:
Exactly.
EMDR helped me with that tremendously.
Dana:
There are many explanations for why EMDR can help, including the processing that happens during bilateral stimulation.
But what you're describing can be part of the end result.
You develop the capacity for radical acceptance and to hold two opposing things at the same time.
Dorothy:
Exactly.
I don't think I ever knew what that meant before.
My nervous system had always operated as if I were being chased by a lion.
Nonstop.
Dana:
And people probably looked at you and thought:
"Wow, you're so strong."
"You're so high-energy."
"How do you do everything?"
Meanwhile, inside, you're dying.
Dorothy:
Exactly.
Letting Go of the Outcome
Dorothy:
Looking back at the timeline, that grief retreat in February 2021 really was the beginning of a major shift.
By September, I could see that something had changed in my body for the better.
Dana:
When the nervous system shifts, that affects the rest of the body, too.
Dorothy:
Exactly.
I was also working during this time.
I didn't have my podcast yet.
The opportunity to create That Greenwich Life really came from this chain of events and from finding my voice.
I was doing brand work and creating social content.
So there was still real life happening.
I had to work.
There were bills to pay.
Meanwhile, my body was trying to heal.
Looking back, I had already turned a corner in my healing journey.
Then came the flood, the family-of-origin trauma, and the miscarriage.
That was a lot to survive in one month.
But I grieved it.
I mourned.
I was angry.
And I was already beginning to enter a place of radical acceptance.
This was the bottom.
I needed to start thinking about what my life was going to be moving forward.
When "Trying Everything" Still Doesn't Give You Control
Dorothy:
In the spring, I did another IVF cycle.
Looking back, I'm not entirely sure why.
Dana:
That's why I was going to ask.
I hear you talking about acceptance, but then you tried again.
Dorothy:
I guess I hadn't entirely accepted that we wouldn't have another baby.
We still had two cycles left through insurance.
Dana:
You can accept the possibility of an outcome and still decide to try.
Dorothy:
That's exactly what it was.
It was a "try anyway" mentality.
We still had to spend thousands of dollars. Even with insurance coverage, we spent well into six figures throughout this process.
But this time, I told them:
"When I wake up from my egg retrieval, I don't want to know how many eggs there were."
When they created the embryos, I didn't want to know how many embryos were in the lab.
I didn't want the numbers anymore.
Dana:
You weren't as attached to each individual outcome.
Dorothy:
Correct.
This was something I had learned through all of my work.
Contrary to what many of us were taught growing up, if you work hard enough at something, you don't always get the result you want.
Dana:
That's true.
Dorothy:
And it's okay for that to be true.
I had reached a place where I understood that.
In previous cycles, we'd have multiple embryos and then almost none would be viable.
I didn't need to know every number.
It didn't mean anything to me anymore.
Don't tell me how many survive three days.
Don't tell me how many survive five days.
Don't tell me how many you're sending for testing.
Just tell me at the end whether there is a chromosomally normal embryo that can be transferred.
I didn't need another roller coaster.
I had no tickets left for that carnival.
Dana:
That's well said.
Dorothy:
Eventually they called and told us the embryos they tested were abnormal.
I remember thinking:
"My doctors aren't listening to me. I'm going into early menopause."
Somehow, I ended up doing one more cycle because it was available to us.
But I already believed we weren't going to have a child from that cycle.
Dana:
It sounds like you'd left it up to the universe.
You weren't attached to it actually happening anymore.
Dorothy:
Correct.
Then they called and told me there was nothing to send for testing.
The embryos had arrested.
And I remember sitting in my room thinking:
"Okay. Cool."
Now I know.
I'm done.
I have done everything I could do.
And now I'm done.
Dana:
You're accepting your own powerlessness.
Dorothy:
Exactly.
Uncle.
I give up.
Dana:
And giving up isn't always a bad thing.
Sometimes it's acknowledging:
"I can't control everything."
Dorothy:
That's exactly right.
"It Brought Me Myself"
Dorothy:
At first, I didn't know how I would ever say that I had done all of that and it amounted to nothing.
But I knew that wasn't the right way to frame it.
The truth was:
I did all of that, and it didn't bring me a baby.
But it brought me this.
Dana:
And what's "this"?
Dorothy:
At the time, I didn't know exactly what "this" was going to be.
I knew it had brought me a much more regulated nervous system.
Dana:
It sounds like it brought you yourself.
Dorothy:
Correct.
It brought me myself.
Dana:
That's what we've been talking about with rebirth.
You went through all of these experiences, and the person who became born was you.
Dorothy:
Exactly.
A friend of mine who specializes in human design later said something profound to me.
Her name is Brianne Cutler.
She told me:
"You didn't change and become a different version of yourself. You returned to exactly who you were born into this world as."
Dana:
And that's what happens.
We're born, life happens, and sometimes we become disconnected from our authentic selves.
That disconnection can be part of trauma.
Eventually, our nervous system starts showing us that something has to change.
Then we begin the healing work, the discovery, and reconnecting with the person we were before life taught us we couldn't safely be that person.
Dorothy:
Exactly.
Before my parents got divorced.
Before I had to become a people pleaser.
Before life happened.
What my friend said was one of the most profound ways anyone has described my journey.
I never knew what peace meant.
Choosing Peace Without Knowing What Came Next
Dorothy:
I remember saying to my husband on the beach:
"I am going to be at peace."
"I will be at peace."
"I will choose to be at peace."
"Every single day will be the first day of the rest of my life."
Then I started counting the days.
Today is day three.
I'm going to be at peace.
I'm going to be at peace with my future.
Dana:
Almost like recovery.
Day one sober.
Day two sober.
Dorothy:
Exactly.
Then I got somewhere into the high twenties.
One day, I came home from my friend's house and thought:
"Is my period late?"
I took a pregnancy test.
I was pregnant.
Dana:
And that's your daughter.
Dorothy:
That's my daughter, Gemma.
Dana:
Wow.
Dorothy:
But then I had to mentally survive that pregnancy.
And I want to say something really important.
I never want someone listening to my story to think:
"Oh, okay. You had your baby in the end. Of course it's easy for you to sit here now and talk about healing."
Dana:
But you healed before Gemma was even an idea
.
Dorothy:
That's right.
That's really what happened.
Dana:
It's almost like you had a happy ending because you healed, rather than healing because you eventually got the happy ending.
Dorothy:
That's exactly right.
Pregnancy After Loss
Dorothy:
When I saw that positive pregnancy test, you might imagine I'd be thrilled.
I was terrified.
Dana:
I would imagine you'd be terrified.
Dorothy:
Because all I could think was:
"What fresh hell is going to be around the next corner?"
What is it going to be this time?
I couldn't go through another ultrasound.
Even now, when I have a mammogram, I also need an ultrasound because I have dense breast tissue.
It's not even an ultrasound of my uterus, but I still feel activated when I'm there.
Dana:
Of course.
Those experiences create associations in the nervous system.
Dorothy:
Exactly.
And I never want to be the person who gets to talk about healing simply because she eventually had her rainbow baby.
There are too many women and too many families doing all the things.
They're going through the treatments.
They're going through the trauma.
And they're still waiting for that baby.
Those are my people.
Those are the people I hold closest to my heart because I know what it feels like to be in that position.
Dana:
When you get to that place of acceptance, that's where you can begin finding peace.
Not only mentally, but inside your physical being and nervous system.
Dorothy:
Exactly.
And there's such a fine line because you blame yourself for everything that happens within your body.
Every failed pregnancy.
Every miscarriage.
You blame yourself.
Dana:
Human beings love believing we're more in control than we actually are.
Dorothy:
Correct.
And there is no way to simply "relax" when you're going through multiple IVF cycles and they keep failing.
You don't just say, "Whatever. It's fine."
Dana:
I tell clients all the time:
Not every situation requires you to be calm.
If something or someone is unsafe, your fight-or-flight response has a purpose.
It's there to help you survive.
Holding Grief and Gratitude Together
Dorothy:
I count the entire period from 2019 until 2023, when my daughter was born, as part of that journey.
I count the pregnancy all the way until the moment I heard her cry.
Because throughout the pregnancy, I never truly believed I was going to meet her.
I never believed I would hold her alive.
The possibility of holding a stillborn baby was where my mind went.
Dana:
It's overwhelming to think about the ripple effect that kind of loss can have.
My daughter is actually named after the sister I would have had.
My dad was married once before, and his first child was a full-term baby. The doctor delivered her breech, and she died.
My dad was never the same after that.
My daughter is named after my sister.
My dad passed away before she was born, but naming my daughter after her was a way to honor his experience and her life, however short it was.
I saw firsthand what that kind of loss can do to a person and a family.
My dad was the best father in the world, but he was horribly anxious all the time.
That's why hearing how you've healed through this matters.
Your children get to move forward with a mom who went through it and is living to talk about it.
Dorothy:
Their relationship is so special.
My son is ten now, and Gemma just turned three.
When I look at her, I can't believe she's here.
I feel all the happiness, joy, and relief from my own story.
But I also feel the pain and suffering of the people I know, and the people I don't know, who are still hoping and praying for their rainbow baby.
Dana:
There's gratitude, while also holding grief for them.
Dorothy:
Exactly.
I want to hold those people.
I want to make it better for them.
Nobody deserves to go through what I went through.
Nobody deserves to live in that level of darkness.
Healing an Entire Lifetime
Dorothy:
But one thing I will say is that my healing journey wasn't about healing what happened in March of 2019.
It was about healing an entire lifetime of Dorothy.
An entire lifetime of deep pain, anxiety, wounds, and so many things that predominantly came from my family of origin.
Dana:
Relational stress.
Dorothy:
So much relational stress.
I was fortunate throughout my life with friendships.
I wasn't a mean girl, and I wasn't really mean-girled.
I had some good relationships and boyfriends over the years.
And I found an amazing partner in my husband.
We went through difficult periods during all of this, of course, but we worked through them.
Where a lot of my pain came from was my family of origin.
Looking back, I realize I was due for a crash when all of this happened.
Dana:
When you finally zoom out and see the whole picture, you can recognize the path you were already on.
Dorothy:
I was a mess.
I was an anxious mess.
I loved becoming a mom to my son.
But I was drinking a lot.
I still drink socially now, but back then I was deeply unhappy inside.
My marriage wasn't good.
I was posting all these things and forcing myself to present this perfect life.
Now, when I post something, I want it to feel real and genuine.
Dana:
You don't have to pretend anymore.
Dorothy:
Correct.
I've always lived my life in a fairly honest way.
My nursery school teacher apparently told my mom after my parents' divorce:
"Dorothy will be fine because the world is her therapist."
When I think about that now, it's actually sad for that little child.
I always lived vulnerably.
But what I realized through healing is that it's good to live authentically.
It's good to be vulnerable when that vulnerability helps other people.
But I don't need to pick up the phone and speed dial someone every time something happens because I need outside validation.
I don't need to perform in front of a camera so people tell me I'm beautiful, well-spoken, or great.
Dana:
That's where we can start repeating patterns.
We're seeking something we never received, so we keep looking for it outside ourselves.
When we slow down enough, we can ask:
"What didn't I get that I keep seeking?"
The gift of therapy can be learning how to give ourselves what we didn't receive.
Dorothy:
Totally.
For me, there was always this:
"Everybody look at me."
"Oh my gosh, I'm freaking out."
"You can't believe what happened."
Dana:
That's also seeking co-regulation because you didn't have enough of it.
Dorothy:
That's exactly right.
Now I can regulate.
Not always.
I'll be the first to admit that.
But I can regulate.
And now the platforms I use are more about service.
How can I help?
How can I help the greater collective with their healing?
How can I help people be a little gentler with themselves and with one another?
One of my core values is:
Always be a fucking person.
Dana:
Exactly.
Just be a real human being.
Carl Rogers and person-centered therapy are foundational to how I operate.
Congruence.
Unconditional positive regard.
Empathy.
Empathy doesn't mean:
"I feel bad for you, so I'm going to enable you."
It means:
"I can understand what it might feel like to be you. I might not be able to fix it, but I see you."
Dorothy:
That's the healing we're all looking for.
Someone to see us.
To see our pain.
Not to try to fix it.
Just to sit with us in it.
Dana:
I tell my son when he's having big emotions:
"I can't fix your feelings, but I can sit next to you with them so you're not alone with them."
Dorothy:
That's so beautiful.
Breaking Generational Patterns
Dorothy:
Through all of this, I realized how many cycles of generational trauma and patterns I've broken with my own children.
I don't tell my kids:
"Stop crying."
I don't ask:
"What are you crying about?"
I don't tell them to toughen up.
If they're crying, I let them cry.
Release it.
Let it out.
When I see how happy and safe my kids feel within themselves and within their lives, that's the greatest gift that could have come from everything I've experienced.
Dana:
So few people understand that being in discomfort is where the real growth happens.
One of my favorite sayings is:
"A comfort zone is a beautiful place, but nothing ever grows there."
If you want to grow and heal, be willing to be uncomfortable.
I like the phrase uncomfortable enough.
We don't want so much discomfort that we exceed someone's window of tolerance.
But we can learn to embrace enough discomfort to face what needs to be faced.
And you don't have to face it alone.
That's where therapy can be such a beautiful thing.
We've gone through the trauma alone.
We don't want to go through the recovery alone.
Dorothy:
Exactly.
Where to Connect with Dorothy
Dana:
Dorothy, I'm so grateful for you sharing your story with us and for your vulnerability and raw honesty.
I really value and appreciate it.
Dorothy:
Thank you for having me.
I need to go drink a martini or smoke a cigarette or something.
Dana:
Or sit in the sun.
Get some vitamin D.
Dorothy:
I need to do something!
I'm actually going to get my nails done with my daughter.
Dana:
That's my favorite.
My daughter's three now, too, so we've started going together.
It's so much fun.
Dorothy, can you tell our listeners where they can find you and connect with you?
Dorothy:
Absolutely.
On Instagram, I'm @dorothyontv.
My website is dorothyontv.com.
My YouTube channel is Dorothy On TV.
And my podcast is That Greenwich Life on Apple Podcasts and Spotify.
There are 54 episodes from seasons one and two.
I'm currently on hiatus, but hopefully season three will be coming back toward the end of the year.
Dana:
Thank you, Dorothy, so much for being here.
I appreciate you.
Dorothy:
Thank you for doing everything you do and for helping people with EMDR.
It is a magical treatment.
Dana:
Thank you.
Every day, I feel incredibly lucky that I get to do something I love and something I genuinely feel I was put here to do.
Thank you, everybody, for listening.
If you'd like to connect with Dorothy, we've included her information.
I'm so grateful for everyone listening.
I'm Dana Carretta-Stein, and this is The Truth About Healing Podcast.
And I'm here to remind you:
We repeat what we don't repair.
Thank you for listening to another episode of The Truth About Healing Podcast.
If you know someone who's still stuck, share this episode with them because, as you know, the truth can set them free.
And if you're ready to get started and see what you need to repair, contact us at Peaceful Living Mental Health Counseling and we'll help you get started.
Until next time, I'm Dana Carretta-Stein, reminding you:
We repeat what we don't repair.
Podcast Disclaimer
This podcast is for informational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional mental health or medical advice. Listening does not create a therapist-client relationship. If you need support, contact a licensed professional or your local emergency services.
Crisis Support: If you're in crisis, call or text 988 in the U.S. or contact your local emergency number.
Content note: This episode includes discussion of pregnancy loss, infertility, TFMR, PTSD, depression, and suicidal thoughts. Please take care while listening or reading. If you're in crisis, call or text 988 in the U.S. or contact your local emergency number.
Transcript lightly edited for readability while preserving the meaning and conversational tone of the original recording
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