Episode 16: Your Nervous System Is Talking
Your Nervous System Is Talking: What Your Body May Be Trying to Tell You
Welcome to another episode of The Truth About Healing Podcast.
What if your body notices something before your conscious mind does?
You might tell yourself you're fine, while your heart is racing.
You might not feel particularly nervous, but suddenly you're sweating.
You might think you should be able to push through another stressful week, while your body is practically begging you for recovery.
In Episode 16, Dana Carretta-Stein sits down with Claudio for an off-the-cuff conversation about why therapy sometimes misses the bigger picture and what it means to understand someone as a whole person.
Because Your Nervous System Is Talking, and what it's communicating isn't shaped by just one thing.
Biology matters.
Psychology matters.
Relationships matter.
Social connection matters.
Stress matters.
Recovery matters.
Even what happened before you were born may be part of the larger picture.
As Dana explains, we can't keep looking at people as a collection of isolated symptoms. We have to zoom out and look at the interplay between the body, mind, environment, relationships, and life experiences.
And sometimes, before you figure out why your body is reacting, the first thing you need to do is listen.
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Episode Highlights
In this episode, Dana and Claudio explore:
Why therapy can miss the mark when we focus too narrowly on one symptom
What a whole-person, biopsychosocial approach looks like
How biology, psychology, relationships, stress, and environment all affect the nervous system
Why nervous system development begins before birth
How age-appropriate stress and recovery can help build resilience
Why overly protecting children from discomfort can make stress harder to tolerate later
How secure attachment develops through rupture, repair, and connection
What happens when stress goes on for too long without enough recovery
Why your body may react before your conscious mind understands what is happening
How sweating, tension, activation, and other body signals may be worth paying attention to
Why social connection and movement can change your state
Five practical regulation tools, including breathwork, movement, distraction, sensory grounding, and tactile grounding
Why regulation is personal and one strategy may not work every time
How protecting your time can support your nervous system
Why people-pleasing can make boundaries and saying no feel so uncomfortable
The connection between time management, executive functioning, and nervous system regulation
Why Dana keeps coming back to one simple reminder: listen to your body
Memorable Quote
"Don't even listen to me. Listen to your body." - Dana Carretta-Stein
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Further Learning & Resources
Discover journals, workbooks, consultation resources, and recommended tools designed to support both personal healing and professional growth.
EMDR Therapy Progress Journal
The EMDR Therapy Progress Journal helps clients track healing progress, identify
patterns, document insights, and stay connected to their therapeutic journey between sessions.
Perfect for:
EMDR clients
Trauma recovery work
Reflection between sessions
Tracking healing milestones
EMDR Coach Treatment Planning Workbook
Designed specifically for EMDR therapists, this workbook helps simplify case
conceptualization, target sequencing, and treatment planning.
Ideal for:
EMDR-trained clinicians
EMDR consultation groups
Organizing complex cases
Strengthening treatment planning skills
The Truth About Healing Is Produced at Cayivisions
Cayivisions is a full-service content studio now relocated in Scarsdale, New York, providing podcast production, video production, photography, short-form content, event coverage, and editing.
The Truth About Healing Podcast is recorded at Cayivisions, where the focus goes beyond cameras, lighting, and audio.
The studio is built around helping people feel comfortable enough to
have real conversations on camera. That matters for a podcast like The Truth About Healing, where conversations about trauma, nervous system regulation, relationships, mental health, and everyday life aren't meant to sound scripted or overly polished.
Cayivisions handles the technical side so the conversation can stay the priority.
The Scarsdale studio is professionally lit, acoustically controlled, and designed for multi-camera podcasts, interviews, video series, and photography. Cayivisions also works with business owners, entrepreneurs, podcasters, organizations, executives, coaches, consultants, and other creators who want professional content without carrying the entire production process themselves.
Meet Our Host Dana Carretta-Stein, LMHC
Dana Carretta-Stein is an LMHC, EMDRIA Approved Consultant, founder of The EMDR Coach, and founder of Peaceful Living Mental Health Counseling (PLMHC).
Her work focuses on trauma-informed therapy, nervous system healing, EMDR therapy, attachment patterns, and helping people understand the deeper roots behind emotional and behavioral patterns.
Dana blends neuroscience, trauma-informed education, and direct honesty in a way that helps listeners feel both validated and challenged to think differently about healing.
Her core belief: Symptoms make sense when you understand the nervous system underneath them.
Trauma-Informed Therapy Through PLMHC
Peaceful Living Mental Health Counseling provides trauma-informed therapy for children, teens, and adults.
Services include support for:
Overthinking
Burnout
Trauma
Emotional overwhelm
Nervous system dysregulation
PLMHC offers in-person therapy in Scarsdale and virtual therapy throughout New York, New Jersey, Connecticut, and Florida.
If you’ve been searching for trauma-informed therapy in Westchester or EMDR therapy in Scarsdale, support is available.
Full Episode Transcript
Episode 16: Your Nervous System Is Talking
Dana:
Welcome to another episode of The Truth About Healing, the podcast that's here to challenge everything you think you knew about therapy.
I'm Dana Carretta-Stein, EMDR and neuro-informed therapist, and I'm on a mission to help 10 million people change their patterns, relationships, and future generations by teaching them how to gain control of their nervous system.
Let's go with it.
Welcome back, everyone, to another episode of The Truth About Healing Podcast. I am your host, Dana Carretta-Stein, and today we're kind of going off the cuff.
Claudio and I were chatting before about some aha moments over the weekend. Things I think I've had before, but you know when you have those moments when you're just in the zone, you're working on stuff, and you're seeing everything clearly?
Claudio:
Yeah.
Dana:
So how that relates to our topic today is really, why is therapy not effective sometimes, and what does person-centered treatment look like?
A big thing that I do in how I operate as an EMDR therapist is doing a biopsychosocial. I know all therapists kind of know this lingo, but really, in order to treat the whole person, we need to understand the whole person.
We need to understand what's going on with them biologically, psychologically, socially, emotionally, spiritually, all of that.
Where I think we get things wrong a lot of times, especially in therapy, is that we're making the lens too small. We're only looking at someone's...
Claudio:
The tunnel vision?
Dana:
Yeah.
Where I see this sometimes when I do EMDR consultation and clinical supervision, a lot of my teaching style is zooming out.
Look at the whole person.
What's going on with somebody medically? What's going on with somebody psychologically? What's going on with them socially and emotionally?
Because all of that impacts the nervous system.
Claudio:
And correct me if I'm wrong, but usually one of those other components starts kind of going wrong before it gets ultimately to your nervous system.
It's almost like your nervous system is the foundation of what holds you in place.
Dana:
Yeah.
We always talk about a mind-body connection. Your nervous system is your mind and your body. So it is who you are as a person.
How we respond to stress, how we connect with others, the quality of our thoughts, and how our body functions physically and medically are all impacted by our nervous system.
Life experiences and outside stressors impact the nervous system. How well our nervous system adapts to that is really what dictates the outcome.
As a trauma therapist, why this is so important is because we always say trauma is anything that's too much too soon, too much all at once, too much for too long, or too little for too long.
If we're using that "too little for too long," for example, if somebody's not getting enough adequate nutrients to keep their body functioning well, we have a minimum threshold of vitamins and minerals and things that we need for our body to function optimally.
Too little for too long, we start getting sick.
Too much all at once, right? Like poison. If we have a big dose of something that goes into our body, it's going to cause a reaction.
That's too much all at once.
And too much for too long, that's really what that complex chronic trauma looks like, where how long we've experienced something really wears down our nervous system.
Claudio:
And that could be physically...
Dana:
Yeah.
Claudio:
Emotionally...
Dana:
Yeah.
Claudio:
Or biologically.
Dana:
Correct. Or socially, too. We forgot that one.
Let's say somebody's isolated for too long. That is absolutely going to impact how adaptive their nervous system is when they start interacting with people.
That's why things like exposure therapy may work, may not. I'll save my caveat for that later.
The nervous system basically has a diminished ability to tolerate social interaction because it's been starved from it for so long.
But then we think that the social interaction is the problem because we feel anxious when we start interacting socially.
It's anxious because it's a novel stimulus. It's something that we haven't experienced in a really, really long time, and that shows how our nervous system is almost worn down by that.
I feel like if everybody understands how everything impacts their nervous system, everything makes so much more sense.
We can't keep looking at things as isolated incidents.
We have to zoom out and look at our entire being.
It's not just one thing that makes us, quote-unquote, "sick or unwell."
It's the interplay of all the different dynamics and how that shapes the nervous system.
Do We All Start With the Same Nervous System?
Claudio:
I have questions. I have a lot of questions.
But before I ask all the questions that you have literally gotten my brain to want to ask, I think maybe it might be fair to start at the beginning.
Let's talk about the nervous system as a day one.
On day one, we're born, and we're born with a nervous system.
Dana:
Well, I'm sorry. All I keep thinking of is, have you seen Kicking and Screaming with Will Ferrell?
Claudio:
Oh, yeah.
Dana:
"I was born a baby." That's all my mind keeps doing right now.
Anyone who knows me knows that I literally think in movie quotes.
Claudio:
So when we're young, our nervous system is intact because we're experiencing everything for the very first time, everything brand new.
Dana:
I'm going to actually pause you.
Our nervous system develops in utero.
Claudio:
Oh.
So we can come predisposed with a good or...
Dana:
Bingo.
Claudio:
Because that was going to be my question. Do we all start from the same place?
Dana:
No. We do not.
That's where generational trauma comes into play.
There is research that shows a biological mother's untreated PTSD can impact a developing baby. Cortisol can go through the placenta.
What that means is that the baby is getting Mom's stress hormones, and that impacts the development of the baby's HPA axis, which is the hypothalamus, pituitary, adrenal gland cortex, also known as your endocrine system.
That is literally your stress response system.
That's where we can look at things like diabetes. We can look at things like hormonal challenges, PCOS, all of these things.
I'll be totally transparent and honest about my own stuff. I have PCOS. I've had it. My mom had untreated PTSD, so that absolutely impacted the development of my nervous system.
It's also where I have ADHD, right? All these fun acronyms.
If we really zoom out and look at what ADHD is, it is, yes, a neurological disorder.
How did that neurology develop in that way? What was going on when the nervous system was developing?
Again, it's not just one thing. It's all these mitigating things, these dynamics that play out.
Then once that baby is born, you can be born predisposed to certain things, and your life experiences really determine next steps and more and more.
It's all epigenetics, basically.
You have genetic predispositions to things, and it's almost like your DNA has a switch on it. Whether that switch gets turned on or turned off is dependent on your environment.
People would say it's nature or nurture.
It's both.
Can We Build a Stronger Nervous System?
Claudio:
This is wild.
So now you've given me three different paths from zero as we grow up.
The first is you're born with a nervous system that doesn't have the biggest threshold because of what you just explained.
Then the other extreme is you're born with a very large threshold because everything was good with Mom.
Then the third is everything in between.
Let's start with the harder one, in my opinion, which is the one where you're born without the greatest threshold in your nervous system.
Can the tolerance that your nervous system can handle get better?
Dana:
Yes. Absolutely.
Claudio:
Let's say you're being raised like a normal child, everything is happy, everything is good. I'm assuming from there you can grow and build your nervous system with the right...
Dana:
Eh.
Claudio:
Oh, let's go. Hit me.
Dana:
Not exactly, because you don't want too perfect of an environment.
If you're not actually getting stressed, you're not building resiliency either.
It goes back to what we always say. It's not just what happens to us, it's who was there for us.
Smooth seas never made a skilled sailor.
We need to experience stress, and only when we experience stress and then have enough time for recovery do we expand and our window of tolerance gets wider.
Just like when we go to the gym and work out.
I lift the right amount. It's not so heavy that I tear a muscle. It's not so light that it's not stressing the muscle enough.
It's the perfect right amount.
Then I exercise regularly and have rest and recovery time. That muscle shreds and grows.
That's how the nervous system gets stronger.
Claudio:
So it's not a cookie-cutter, all-happiness childhood.
Dana:
Right.
People who are overly protected and everything went their way can be completely unprepared for the world.
When the smallest stressor happens, they can fall apart because they haven't learned how to tolerate distress, disappointment, or anything that feels uncomfortable.
How Do Kids Learn to Tolerate Discomfort?
Claudio:
Let's follow this child who was overly protected.
How do they start exercising this "muscle" of the nervous system so it can get stronger?
Dana:
You need to be told no.
You need to have someone validate how uncomfortable that is for you.
"Yeah, I said no, and you don't like it. And you don't have to."
You need to have those emotions validated as normal.
We can start to get reactive to anything that's uncomfortable. Remember, we're wired to attend to negative stimuli. It's how we've survived so far as a species.
When we experience something uncomfortable, we immediately think, "Something's wrong. How do we fix it?"
There's nothing to fix.
You're just upset that things didn't go your way, and that makes sense.
Of course you're upset.
I'll be right here if you need someone to give you a hug or hold space for you.
Notice where you feel that stress.
Notice where you feel it in your body.
You were told no and you're really upset. It looks like your shoulders are scrunched up. How do you feel? Are you cold? Are you hot? What sensations do you feel in your body?
Claudio:
How do you teach awareness?
Dana:
Just like that.
There's awareness of the self, awareness of others, and then the interpersonal dynamic to be aware of.
There's a term for it that I love.
Intersubjective space.
It's the intersubjective space between two people as the next thing to be aware of.
Awareness is built with mindfulness, with bringing your five senses into whatever it is you're doing.
You can be aware of the environment.
You can be aware of what your insides are doing.
It's noticing without acting upon.
The only thing to really build awareness is space.
Should Kids Experience Stress?
Claudio:
Would you say that a good way of raising children would be to expose them to some stressors?
I'm not saying go let your kid out on the corner and figure out how to get home.
But stressors that are appropriate for the age level and stage of life, so that child can experience a little bit of stress, sit in that space for a little bit, feel it, and then ultimately have help?
Dana:
Yes. Absolutely.
It's like mini exposures.
Sleep training is the first thing that comes to my mind.
A running joke with millennials is that we were all products of the Ferber method, crying it out.
Let them cry as long as possible until eventually they tire out.
What did that actually do?
That taught their nervous system to start shutting down because help wasn't coming.
Now, the opposite of that is no crying it out at all. Rescue as soon as there's the smallest tinge of discomfort.
Also not great.
What Eric and I did with our kids, and honestly this is thanks to Justine Carino, who's a wonderful therapist and a mom, was a method where we'd make sure the baby's basic needs were met, then allow a short period before going back in to provide comfort.
You don't take them out and rescue them completely, but you show you're with them in their discomfort.
Claudio:
Comfort.
Dana:
Yes.
Once they settle down, you leave again. If they start crying again, you go back.
What that is doing is creating secure attachment.
Every time there's distress, think about a baby. A baby looks for Mom, Dad, or a caregiver and is reconnected.
There's the disconnect, the rupture in attachment, literally a break in connection, and then coming back together is the repair.
Every time something gets broken and reconnected, broken and reconnected, that bond gets stronger.
That is secure attachment.
How many times can I navigate away knowing there is a secure home base?
That's how babies learn that no matter how distressed I get, I know there will always be help there.
Claudio:
This is wild.
This is almost like this should be taught in parenting classes.
Dana:
They always say parenting doesn't come with a book.
It should.
Claudio:
There should be classes.
You can really set your child up for success. Or, on the flip side, you could think you're doing the absolute best job as a parent, and you might be hurting them.
That's got to be a pretty tough cookie to swallow for any parent who believes in their heart of hearts that they're doing the right thing.
Dana:
Yeah.
All these parents who followed the Ferber method thought they were doing the right thing.
Even my mom has said to me when we've had talks about my stuff through childhood, "I thought I was doing everything right."
That's hard.
There's always that voice in the back of my head of, "Okay, now I think I'm doing everything right. Is it wrong?"
But my son's nervous system will tell me.
It absolutely will tell me.
That's what I always go back to.
It doesn't matter what any professional expert says. I even tell clients sometimes:
"Don't even listen to me. Listen to your body."
That matters more than anything else.
Listening to what your insides are saying is how you develop trust with yourself and start to have your own sense of security.
It's really important.
What Happens When the Nervous System Gets Depleted?
Claudio:
Let's go to the other person, the one whose nervous system was built to be tested.
Then life happens because life happens.
Let's say that at some point, this person has exhausted their nervous system threshold.
They've depleted whatever that strong nervous system had, and now they've gotten to a point where their nervous system is kind of shot.
Dana:
Like shutting down?
Claudio:
Yes.
Dana:
So that's hypoarousal, right? The opposite of fight or flight.
The person who grew up in a very chaotic environment probably will fare very well in stress because their nervous system is primed to tolerate significant distress.
Where that person may struggle is in interpersonal relationships because you need to be in a somewhat regulated state to be able to connect with others.
A state of protection is that chaotic, really anxious, sympathetic nervous system energy.
Versus a state of connection.
If we're using polyvagal theory terminology, we want to be in a place of ventral vagal. That's where we're able to connect with others.
Someone who's really comfortable thriving in chaos may struggle in interpersonal relationships because they're not in that connection state.
Then over time, when does their nervous system start to shut down?
A lot of that is when it's too much for too long without any break, any space for...
Claudio:
To recover.
Dana:
To recover.
Everything is in the recovery here.
Everything is in the recovery.
I remember from sixth-grade science, Mrs. Amorosa would teach us homeostasis.
The body, the world, the environment, everything is working toward balance.
Recovery time is when your body gets an opportunity to replenish and recover from chronic stress.
Stress Hormones, Medication, and Context
Claudio:
Let's get serious for a minute.
When somebody is suffering from anxiety or depression and they go to a doctor and are prescribed anti-anxiety medication or antidepressants, you're introducing something that helps regulate or balance them.
Am I on the right track?
Dana:
There's nuance there.
Let's say you're in a situation where there isn't actually a danger present and your body is acting like there is.
Medication can be really helpful there because in order for you to accurately discern whether or not there is danger, your nervous system has to be in a space to give you that discernment.
If you're flooded with stress hormones, story follows state.
If you have those stress hormones pumping through your body, you're going to perceive things in your environment differently.
Medication in that regard can sometimes be helpful to create a little space so that in therapy we can say, "Okay, is this an actual stressor? It is or it isn't."
If your body perceives it as a stressor, let's float that back and see why.
Where did the wiring happen where your nervous system wired this trigger with the stress response in your body?
That's usually rooted in past or earlier life experiences.
Versus somebody who is in a situation that actually is dangerous.
If their body is pumping full of stress hormones because they're in a dangerous environment, their body is working correctly.
Claudio:
They need to get out.
Dana:
Yeah. They need help.
They don't need their appropriate danger response simply interpreted as something to eliminate. They need support getting to safety.
When I do EMDR consultations, I always tell people the goal isn't to not feel anxious at all.
There are certain situations that don't require calm.
Where EMDR can be helpful is creating discernment so that you can more accurately identify what a stressor is.
There's a reason why it's called the autonomic nervous system.
It's automatic.
When a Loud Sound Sends Your Body Into Overdrive
Claudio:
I've got a story for you.
Dana:
Tell me.
Claudio:
And it's going to be a funny one. My wife is going to kill me probably, but Catherine, I love you.
Last week, we were going somewhere together and taking her car.
It's hot.
I go get the car, take the puppy with me, put her in the backseat, and it is scorching.
The first thing in my mind is turn it on, get the AC blasting, maybe open a window.
I hit the push start.
The car turns on.
And the loudest volume setting I've ever seen in my life comes through the radio.
I've never felt such a jolt.
Dana:
It's a good prank when you leave the volume on for someone.
Claudio:
Catherine, if it was a prank, I'm going to get you back.
It caught me so off guard, and I screamed.
It wasn't a girly scream, but it was like, "Catherine! Why? Why?"
Immediately, I turned it down.
But it was so loud and caught me so off guard.
I think my nervous system was shot for the next two or three hours.
Dana:
That's a great example.
How long it takes us to come back down from a stressor can tell us something about how adaptive our nervous system is in that moment.
We experience a stressor, see that there's no danger present, and ideally can come back down.
Versus staying in a reactive state for a while.
That's where we want to go, "Hmm. Why did it take my nervous system as long as it did? What does my nervous system need?"
You might be more in a hypervigilant state, so it takes longer to come down because that's your default "on" position.
A lot of us in today's world are more in that state because our environment and society don't support us having enough time for recovery and connection.
When Your Body Knows Before You Do
Claudio:
I have another example.
My body reacted to something a week or two ago.
My body told me before I recognized that I was going through something.
I woke up in the morning and had an appointment. It wasn't anything too crazy, but it must have had some underlying stress to it.
I was about to leave the house and started sweating profusely.
My house has AC. The temperature was okay. There was nothing indicating that I should be hot or sweating that much.
I was dripping.
I had to sit down and cool off before I could even put my shirt on.
I was going to talk to a group of kids about my business.
Dana:
So that's where the underlying stressor might have been. Maybe you were a little nervous.
Claudio:
Which I didn't think I was.
It's something I've done my entire life.
But my body quickly let me know something was going on.
Eventually I got in the car, blasted the AC, and went to White Plains.
I started chatting with the group, and the room was warm, but it happened again.
I started sweating a lot.
Now this is two times within three or four hours.
Then later, I stopped at a store to look for a shirt before playing pickleball.
The AC is blasting. It's cold in there. I'm comfortable.
And for whatever reason, it starts over again.
I'm thinking, "Why am I sweating so much? What is going on in my body? What am I stressing about?"
There's nothing to stress about in that moment.
Eventually, I stopped and started breathing a little bit because I recognized that maybe my nervous system was a little wild.
It eased off, I got my smoothie, and from that point on, I was okay.
I'm telling you that story because my body was literally telling me something.
Dana:
Your body, it's a signal.
We can sit here and say, "It might have been this. It might have been that."
All of those could be plausible answers, but without data, we really can't say for sure.
But the why doesn't really matter in the moment.
If your nervous system is responding and you're showing a stress response, your nervous system may be saying, slow down.
It needs more space.
It needs recovery time.
There might also be something biological going on. Is your blood sugar low? Do you need to eat something?
It's not just one thing.
It's the dynamic of everything at play.
In the moment, somatic therapies and body therapies can help give your nervous system what it needs.
Slow down.
Catch your breath.
Give yourself time.
If that isn't helping, then you know there might be something biological that needs attention.
The why doesn't really fucking matter right now.
We can figure that out later.
Right now:
What can I do in this moment?
Your Body Is a Signal, Not an Argument
Claudio:
Unfortunately, sometimes you don't have the space or time when these things happen.
Let's say you're going to public speak somewhere, it's your cue to go on, and you get hit with a nervous response.
There's not much you can do other than not show up.
If you're already committed and you're one of those people who pushes through, you're probably going to push through.
Dana:
Yeah.
Claudio:
What I really wanted to accentuate was how incredible the body is and that connection in the body.
I didn't feel any stress or anxiety about what I was about to do.
Dana:
And you might not have.
It could have been the perfect storm.
Claudio:
That's what's wild. Your body will tell you things before you may even recognize them.
Dana:
Exactly.
That's why listening to your body is so important.
It's not about whether or not you agree with your body in that moment.
It's just like if a baby or kid is crying and really upset.
It doesn't matter if you agree with them or not.
In order to attune to them, you just have to pay attention.
Bring all your attention to your body.
Bring all your attention to that child.
And just listen.
What do you need?
Let's regulate together.
Let's co-regulate.
It's not about agreeing or disagreeing.
Why Social Connection Can Be Regulating
Claudio:
The social connection is also interesting.
We spoke last week on the phone, and I remember telling you I wasn't really feeling the greatest that day.
I was on my way to pickleball and hoping that would get me out of this funk.
My mood was low.
Then I got to pickleball. All the people I'm friends with were there. We played for more than three hours.
I walked out of there re-energized.
Those three hours of social interaction, doing something I love with people I enjoy, completely pulled me out of whatever funk I was going through.
Had you spoken to me afterward, you would have seen a completely different person.
It's crazy how that social connection can...
Dana:
Change everything.
You're talking about regulation.
Talking to someone about how you're feeling can help release some of the pressure.
Then you're interacting with people you love.
You're moving.
All of that movement is regulating.
If you think about something that's stagnant and stuck, then you start getting movement, it helps what was stuck dissipate.
It's a release.
Again, it's not just one thing that helps.
All of those things combined help the nervous system.
Breathwork or Movement?
Claudio:
Here's a trick question.
What would you say is the best way to support your nervous system?
I'm going to give you two options.
Breathwork and calming, or movement?
Dana:
Depends.
Claudio:
I knew you were going to hit me with that.
Dana:
Depends on the person.
Everybody's different.
If someone has a deviated septum and can't get as much air through their nostril, breathing might actually be more of a trigger than regulating.
That's me.
One of my nostrils is more pinched closed than the other, and I'm always like, "Why, every time I try to do deep breaths, do I feel like I'm going to freaking die?"
It's anxiety-provoking because I'm not actually getting air through that nose.
Sometimes it's something simple and biological.
For some people, movement can be regulating, but it's about the optimal level of movement.
We're wired to move.
It depends on the person, what they're able to engage in at the time, and what's working for them at that moment.
You can do something one day and it helps.
Then the next day it doesn't help as much.
That's okay.
Maybe your nervous system needs something different.
Keep learning about yourself.
That's where, with EMDR in Phase 2, we don't just do one resource.
We build a toolbox of things that are regulating so that you throw enough shit at the wall, something sticks.
Five Ways to Support Regulation in the Moment
Claudio:
Can you give us five things that can help somebody start regulating their system?
Dana:
Yes.
We already named two: movement and breathwork.
The third is distraction, with a little asterisk because we don't want to avoid.
Distraction is shifting your attention to something completely different so that when you go back to what's distressing, it has a lesser charge.
That's kind of what EMDR does.
Notice this, go here, come back.
We tend to overly attend to things that are distressing. We hyperfocus, and that makes the distress response bigger and bigger.
So distract, redirect, and come back.
The fourth is the five, four, three, two, one.
Name five things you can see, four things you can hear, three things you can smell, two things you can touch, one thing you can taste.
Any order.
If you can't taste anything, oh well.
Basically, use your senses to redirect yourself.
The other thing, and this is so cheesy, I love it, but I go back to Die Hard.
Grounding.
Get in touch with the tactile sense.
When we're overwhelmed, we're often too much in our head.
Bring that energy back into the environment.
Feel things you can touch with your fingers.
Feel your feet on the ground.
Again, you're trying to get an energy balance.
So:
Breathwork.
Movement.
Distract and redirect.
Five, four, three, two, one.
And John McClane it.
Put your feet on the ground.
How Do You Maintain a Regulated Nervous System?
Claudio:
Awesome.
What about five things if you have a good nervous system and want to maintain it?
Dana:
Exercise.
Exercise applies across the board because that's healthy stress.
That's one of the best ways to maintain optimal functioning of your nervous system.
Connection with people is another.
We're basically looking at connection with people as co-regulation, and then we have self-regulation.
When we can't self-regulate, people can help us co-regulate, and vice versa.
Some people also do cold therapy or cold plunges.
That can be a shock to the system, and then the recovery is what matters as well.
Claudio:
I have one.
Protecting yourself.
And when I say protecting yourself, protecting your space, your comfort space, your stress space.
Work is probably the easiest and most relatable example.
You're on a deadline to get something done, and somebody asks you to do something additional.
Now you've got another stressor on top of the original stressor.
Had you protected your space and said, "I can't do this because I have to focus on this," you're protecting your space.
Dana:
Protecting your time.
Claudio:
Protecting your time.
Not taking work home with you.
Things like that.
Dana:
I love that.
I think it speaks to an even broader thing to protect your nervous system, which is time management.
Time management is huge.
Over-functioning and people-pleasing impact our time management.
If we manage our time well, we might be able to handle something coming up from an external source.
If we can't, we can't.
Why Organization Can Be Regulating
Dana:
I had this conversation with my son last night because his drawers were a hot mess.
I know my son. He's like his mother with his ADHD.
Visual organization is helpful.
When he runs late, he rifles through the drawers, and now it's a hot mess again.
Then that keeps him in a dysregulated state because he can't find the things he wants.
I could have sat there and said, "You need to keep your drawers better."
But my question for him was:
"What makes it hard for you? How does it get to this point that your drawers are all messy?"
He said, "I didn't have enough time to get ready because I didn't wake up."
Okay.
"So how can Mom and Dad help you?"
He usually wakes up at 7:00. Maybe I can get him up at 6:30.
No problem.
But that also means we have to go to bed earlier because he still needs the same amount of sleep.
What could we prep the night before?
We picked out five outfits together.
They're all on top of his dresser, and every day he sees them.
That's one thing taken care of for the week so it doesn't cost him extra time in the morning.
That time-management planning, those executive-functioning skills, can be challenging for people who are neurodivergent.
You need more time to do those executive-functioning things.
That sets you up for success and can be very regulating.
What If You're a People Pleaser?
Claudio:
How difficult is it to protect your time if you're a people pleaser?
Dana:
Sucks.
Claudio:
That is probably a whole episode in itself.
Dana:
We'll do that next time.
Claudio:
Sometimes it almost feels biological. Like you can't fight away from it.
It's extremely uncomfortable to be on the other side of that if you're a people pleaser.
Dana:
Why is it uncomfortable?
Claudio:
You're the therapist. I don't know.
Dana:
Tolerating disappointment.
Or tolerating somebody being mad at you.
Or assuming someone might be mad at you.
But it's all in the delivery.
If someone's asked you to do something, you don't need to say, "I can't believe you asked me to do that."
Why are you yelling at them?
You can say:
"No, I wish I could help you. Unfortunately, I can't."
That reactiveness can come from a person's inability to tolerate the possibility that somebody else might be upset when they say no.
How do you say no?
Do you do it respectfully?
Do you give context?
"I know that's important to you. However, this is what's going on with me."
Leave room for the conversation.
Claudio:
This can go down a path because I already have some rebuttals for you.
Dana:
I'm sure.
Claudio:
Maybe next time we unpack people-pleasing and how you say no in a way that maintains the connection with the person you're saying no to.
But also fulfills you.
Because if you don't feel good about it, it doesn't matter how nicely you said it.
That may be good for the other person, but it's about you, too.
Dana:
Right.
How do you make time to help people if that's what fills your cup?
More on that next week.
Closing
Claudio:
That was a good conversation today.
I loved it.
Dana:
I loved it.
Thank you, everybody, for letting us into your ears, your hearts, and your minds.
I'm Dana Carretta-Stein and my faithful everything, Claudio.
Claudio:
The new side co-host guest for the moment.
Dana:
Literally, the conversations with you are my favorite. Absolute favorite.
Claudio:
I love talking to you as well.
Dana:
I hope you guys catch us on the next episode, and it sounds like it's going to be a pretty good one.
I am your host, Dana Carretta-Stein, reminding you that we repeat what we don't repair.
See you on the next one.
Thank you for listening to another episode of The Truth About Healing Podcast.
If you know someone who's still stuck, share this episode with them because, as you know, the truth can set them free.
And if you're ready to get started to see what you need to repair, contact us at Peaceful Living Mental Health Counseling, and we will get you started.
Until next time, I'm Dana Carretta-Stein reminding you:
We repeat what we don't repair.
Podcast Disclaimer
This podcast is for informational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional mental health or medical advice. Listening does not create a therapist-client relationship. If you need support, contact a licensed professional or your local emergency services.
Crisis Support: If you're in crisis, call or text 988 in the U.S. or contact your local emergency number.
Transcript lightly edited for readability while preserving the meaning and conversational tone of the original recording
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The Truth About Healing is about looking beyond the surface and understanding what's really driving our patterns, emotions, relationships, and behaviors.
Through honest conversations, trauma-informed insights, and nervous system education, Dana challenges common beliefs about healing and offers a more compassionate way to understand ourselves.
Because healing isn't about becoming someone new. It's about understanding what shaped you, repairing what still impacts you, and creating space for something different.
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We repeat what we don't repair.
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